09/04/2013 12:55 pm ET Updated Nov 04, 2013

6 Reasons IKEA Is the Ideal Setting for a Zombie Movie

1. No Ikea in the world has any reception.

If you are inside Ikea, no one outside Ikea can hear you scream.

No matter how close / how far from the windows, this bunker will provide for all aspects of an ideal horror scenario, the most important of which is NO CELL PHONES (that is, unless the whole focus of the flick is scary cell phones).

Is your loved one further down in the maze? Or maybe you missed them somehow and they're behind you? In an Ikea, WHO F@#$ING KNOWS.

2. The survivors can actually build themselves a village

Wow, this thing almost writes itself.

It's Ikea, so it's falling apart, but who cares because you can just replace one PAX wardrobe with another, and nobody would even know. If there is furniture everywhere, you can literally go in there and build a fortress from which to defend yourself against the zombie outbreak -- that is, until you run out of food... oh wait.

3. Endless food supply

Swedish meatballs, that salmon thing they serve with the Béarnaise sauce, the soft serve iced yogurt -- think about it.

There can be a whole scene involving a dude hopped up on sugar packets because he thinks they are the most portable form of energy / calories in the store. BUT HE HAS GONE MAD FROM SUGAR CONSUMPTION.

4. From behind, zombies just look like an innocent shopping family

You can totally picture this scene. The hero / heroine couple is running through the maze until, in the distance, they see a group of four, a family, walking slowly through the place. OMG, survivors, they think. Except no.

They slowly realize the family won't respond to their beckoning, the horror slowly descending upon them as they realize... they have come too close and they were zombies the whole time.

5. The zombie outbreak is here, it just isn't evenly distributed

The best thing about this is you'll encounter people in the Ikea whodon't even know the outbreak has happened yet.

You can imagine them here shopping for a kitchen and lying down on mattresses all innocently, and then next thing, BAM. A horde of blue-shirt zombie Ikea employees descend on them.

6. The chair stress tester

Put a zombie inside one of these. 'Nuff said.

Julien Smith is the CEO of Breather and a New York Times bestselling author of The Flinch and Trust Agents. He's been in published GQ, Cosmopolitan, etc. etc.

This post originally appeared on Medium.