05/10/2012 08:21 am ET Updated Jul 09, 2012

7 Things You Need To Know Before You Get Married

You know that scene at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, where Harrison Ford has to pick out the cup that Jesus drank from, and if he chooses the wrong cup and drinks from it, his skin falls off and he dies an agonizing death?

That's basically what marriage is. There are tons of potential partners out there that will give you that same feeling of your skin melting off your body until you die. Which is why you need to choose wisely.

Getting married is a stressful decision, simply because of how life-altering the consequences are for almost everyone (For exceptions, see: Kardashian, Kim). Before I proposed to my now-wife, I was understandably nervous. My father suggested that I take stock of all of my experiences and relationships with women, from my earliest memories to present day, and see if I had learned anything that might inform my decision.

Mostly I learned this: love is a series of incredibly humiliating failures that hopefully culminate in one victory. I shared these stories in my new book, I Suck at Girls [It Books, $16.99].

There is no definitive guidebook on how to pick the right partner, and even if there were, I'm way too dumb to write it. So instead I thought I'd share with you some potential fights you might be able to nip in the bud if you do your homework before you propose. Because marriage is like planning a murder: if you're not prepared for surprises, things could get really messy.