When your child clogs up the overflowing toilet: Brown Ale
Don't know if it's a dish towel or one of their prized Barbie dolls? Brown Ale's malty flavor will help you forget that you just redid the bathroom floors, while its caramel color and taste will reflect the hope that it's just toys in the porcelain throne and not anything else.
When you're hosting a playdate gone bad: Belgian Fruit Beer
You knew your child was an a-hole sometimes, but little did you realize that your tot was an angel compared to the monster you invited into your house. You're going to need a crisp sweet taste in your mouth next time you have King Joffrey and his Cersei of a mother over.
When your child bolts out of your grocery cart and is on hyper speed at Target: Pilsner
You're going to be thirsty by the time you drag that screaming kid to the checkout line. Might as well grab that six-pack. It's hydrating enough to keep you fit, yet bitter, like your tears.
When your child repeats a naughty word in front of an elderly couple: IPA
While IPAs are becoming widely known for their perfume-y taste, we can agree that most of the time it's like drinking a glass of soap. That's what you get for cursing in front of a human parrot.
When your child refuses to eat their dinner: Dunkel Weissbier
Chances are they aren't eating the meal you slaved over for hours in the kitchen. If you're going to argue, plead, and bribe for your child to eat their supper, it means you won't be enjoying your casserole, either. Guess you'll have to drink your calories. The darker the beer, the more sated you will be from your new liquid diet.
When your child finds your secret stash of sweets from Halloween and eats all of the candy: Chocolate Stout
While you're cleaning up your child's chocolate-induced vomit, you can enjoy a more dessert-tasting beverage to replace the Whopper balls you once stored like a squirrel during winter. It's much more satisfying than that Reese's Cup anyway.
When your child breaks everything in the antique shop: Budweiser
It's not really beer, but you'll be lucky to afford anything after you pay for the cost of damages your kid has done. Who knew a glass giraffe would cost so much?