04/03/2013 11:25 pm ET Updated Jun 03, 2013

'The Americans' Recap: Ecstatic Oblivion In 'Safe House'

Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen Season 1, Episode 9 of "The Americans," titled "Safe House."

Is it just me or was "Safe House" a bit like "Modern Family" this week? If everyone just slowed down and spoke up, there would be no confusion -- everyone could get the information they needed without needlessly battling each other, and solve all their problems. But that would be boring.

The joke's on me for speculating about what was going to happen with Amador and Martha and Nina last episode. The writers just took care of it. That's all well and good in terms of moving the plot along for the season finale wind-up, but this episode just didn't make sense on so many levels.

For example:

Amador was a weird dude. I know he claimed he was just a guy looking for one night stands at the Crab Shack, but first, when did he and Stan become close enough buds to get in a framed picture together? What's the timeline here? Do I just not understand male friendships?

Secondly, it's not like Chris had been doing secret recon on the Jennings. He was really going to take Philip 'down to station,' or an undisclosed location, to beat him up for staying over at Martha's? I'm not going to buy that he recognized 'Clark' from the Beeman's party. He was too busy talking shop the whole time to meet Philip and hardly checked out Elizabeth. Even when he almost recognized her on his death bed, he didn't. He was kidnapped and murdered for no good reason.

Except that then, because of all of the misunderstandings, Stan went all-in with the rogue mission his FBI friends were planning to capture Arkady, and Beeman got to unleash his pent up male rage on his first in command, Vlad. The worst punishment for a KGB agent during the Cold War is maybe dying by a bullet to the head while you're chewing bad American fast food.

Now the FBI is riled up over losing one more of their own in a botched mission that wasn't even a mission. And the KGB will probably be riled up by Beeman's cryptic phone call to Arkady just before offing Vlad. I'm no diplomat or historian, but doesn't that seem to sum up the Cold War? Veiled threats and called bluffs and a lot of fuss over nothing more than nationalist ideals and ego. So now we have to assume that the Jennings might be in trouble for messing up yet again. I thought the fun of this show was that they were going to start to be figured out by the FBI, but that hope is squashed.

Another thing that doesn't make sense is Martha's love for Clark. She's just so pathetic. Her and Chris would have made a good team. No, Martha, your relationship is not real, no matter how many breakfasts in bed you make for the man. Especially if you serve grapefruit.

And of course, the separation. If anyone can handle divorce, it's Elizabeth. But we all know it's not going to go that far. If there's one thing we can expect from this show, it's a quick, almost unexplainable solution to every issue that wasn't an issue the episode before. I'm guessing Philip will be back in the house for happily ever after by the time Elizabeth finishes the stir fry.

One last item of note: if anyone knows where I can my hands on the three owl lamp from the Jennings' foyer, please advise.

"The Americans" airs Wednesdays at 10 p.m. ET on FX.