07/15/2013 12:55 am ET Updated Sep 13, 2013

'True Blood' Recap: The Horrors Of Vamp Camp In 'F*** The Pain Away'


Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen Season 6, Episode 5 of HBO's "True Blood," titled "F*** the Pain Away."

Human lives are pathetically brief, Pam tells the good therapist at the research camp. Lucky for us, the writers this season aren't wasting any of our time and I have to say, it's rather refreshing.

Two points for vampires and fairies this time around, who actually have conflicting emotions. Humans, we find, are complete jerks. To wit: Sarah Newlin gets her feelings hurt by the governor, who would rather mourn his daughter than unwrap her out of a bustier and make bigoted, blonde babies. She goes to Jason's house and takes advantage of his need to feel overtly heterosexual as a rebound. But Jess busts in after she's massacred Andy's fairy babies. Jess is torn up. Poor little vamp doesn't know if she's a demon whore or not. Lady Newlin barks some bible verse at her just before she calls in the LAVTF to take her to the camps ...

Which is sort of a good thing, since Eric and Tara were picked up, too. We're one step closer to watching the vamps crowd into that white room from Bill's future Lilith dream. About that room -- there's some sick stuff going on in there. The humans just really want to study them. So Pam, who must be sick of watered down Tru-Blood by now, gets to open up to a therapist about her maker in return for living donor blood. Steve Newlin provided the intel to lock her down and now both Eric and Pam are prisoners Numero Uno. Literally, that's their collective prisoner number. Which makes me wonder why Steve Newlin is Number 4. But let's not get caught up in a numbers game. Pam and Eric now have to fight to the death in a padded room while the governor watches as revenge for turning Willa. What's with television governors and their need to pit loved ones against each other? It was very Woodbury, Daryl versus Merle ... in case you missed it, but a good cliffhanger none the less.

More bad human behavior: Ben tells Sookie that her parents were trying to kill her that fateful night on the bridge. She gets Lafayette to put down the Henny for an hour and hold a seance to get in touch with her parents. And it turns out, Ben was right! We've been watching flashbacks of this car crash for years and we finally get to see where it all started. When Ben, as Warlow, went to make good on the Stackhouse contract, Sookie's dad was so scared, he just put her in the trunk to kill her before the vampire could make her immortal. Lafayette is now possessed by Sookie's dad and proceeds to try to drown Sookie since Ben-low is back and trying to get her on his side. Grown ups do the darndest things.

So, basically, all of our favorite characters are almost dead. Speaking of the long sleep and flashbacks, we got a super drawn out one to explain Ben-low and Bill. It goes like this: Caveman Ben was out fetching water back in 3500 B.C. when Lilith smelt his sweet faie-ness. They do it, then Lilith bites him. He goes back four years later and massacres his village, leaving Niall behind. Hating himself, he kills Lilith in a cave. But not really because she's back in Bill's body. In any case, right now in Bon Temps, Bill has Ben all locked up, whining about how he wants vampires to just be extinct already. He needs to talk to the Newlins.

The only humans too dumb to be bad are Andy, Jason and Merlotte bar-flies.

Andy revives one of his daughters with V and brings her to Holly's house, where he gets talked out of standing his ground with Vampire Bill. Go, Holly!

Jason goes to enlist in the LAVTF to make it right with Jess, meaning we have some action scenes inside the camp to look forward to.

Terry asks his old marine buddy Justin to kill him since he can't live with Arlene or himself after last season. Like a good friend, Justin agrees to do it for free. Score.

Alcide's looking for Sam, but Sam is trying to talk the VUS girl out of hating herself for sleeping with him, while entirely ignoring Emma and the fact that J.D. is just down the hall.

Truebies, I think I might have made a whole recap without misspelling a name. Someone get Jason a smartphone and tell him to meet me at Unfriendly Possum.

"True Blood" airs Sundays at 9 p.m. ET on HBO.

"True Blood"