06/06/2013 03:55 pm ET Updated Aug 06, 2013

Is the Trap of Disempowering Language Prolonging the End of your Marriage?

Marriages End. The word end is exactly that "The End," yet we prolong our endings and therefore our new beginnings partly by the use of disempowering language. Part of healing is taking full accountability for what got you to this point and then embracing the lessons so you learn from them.

Challenging experiences are put in front of us -- not as roadblocks but rather as opportunities to learn. We need to take those lessons and apply them to our future so that we can lead a richer life moving forward. For those who embrace the lessons and take accountability, they find light and peace at the end of that journey.

For others, they repeat the lesson over and over again, wondering why misery does not escape them. The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom written by Don Miguel Ruiz addresses the power of language and that our words create consequences. It is our responsibility to understand that we can either create positive outcomes or we can create chaos. Further, he explains that our words have the power to destroy or build. As an extension of his writings -- the words we mutter to ourselves have enormous power to either empower us to heal or keep us stuck in the past.

As we move from marriage and through divorce, we spend time contemplating what we perceive as our past mistakes and misgivings and either feed ourselves empowering or disempowering thoughts. The most obvious trap is the one of blame and self-pity. For example, there is no question that if your spouse cheated on you then of course it is normal to feel betrayed and a victim. That is normal and part of the healing process. However if that event becomes your focus, and playing the victim becomes your role, then make no mistake, you are only hurting yourself and preventing a bright future from unfolding. If you find your conversations monopolized with the focus of the wrong doing of your ex (i.e. verbal abuse, control freak or other distasteful behaviors) then while it may feel good in the short term it only keeps you stuck in the past.

While you may not buy into the new age spiritual guru's philosophy, at least understand the power of your thoughts. There is no question that what you focus on is what your create. This is regardless of whether you think either positive or negative thoughts. For example if you think "I will never be with someone again who is so selfish and controlling" then you are going to attract just that. In fact the brain does not differentiate emotions, only words. So you would be much better to focus your thought on what works like; "I am looking forward to laying the foundation to a new life that is going to bring me happiness and peace and I will attract someone into my life that shares the same love of life." This line of thinking will result in manifesting just that -- happiness and peace.

Thinking positive thoughts in difficult times takes discipline but if you can do this -- your life will be a happy place. Remember what you think is what you are and what you will create.