01/30/2009 05:00 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Thanks for the Booty, Barack!

WASHINGTON-You're both Obamaphiles with working sexual organs. Washington's so cold it feels like Wasilla. A little body heat sounds awfully nice and are those official inaugural ball tickets I see? What's a modern Democrat to do?


Do it for your country! Do it for Obama! Do it because the bars are serving until 4 a.m!

Boots sure were a-knocking during the historic inauguration and in a city that's only known for sex if it's taking place in the Oval Office or between a harlot and Client Nine, that's something to be proud of. Was it the hope in the air? The lack of available beds? Or were we just following the lip-locking example of Barack and Michelle? Hey, if our first couple is going to get biblical, perhaps it's the patriotic thing to do. I doubt Dubya and Laura had to hang a sock on the presidential doorknob all that often, but judging by the Obamas frequent public displays of affection, it seems the house may be rockin' again.

"Sex for Obama tickets?" "Getting naked while watching Obama?" "I did not get tickets to a ball but I have one for your heart!" Craigslist may be the first place you turn if you need to sell your suicidal microwave, but during inauguration it was also a one-stop shop for Obama inspired hook-ups. Titans-for-a-day advertised their spacious hotel rooms, cyber begging for some female company: "I want to make this great weekend even better by hanging out, and getting kinky, with a girl, (or two, or three) in my hotel room jacuzzi!" one overly confident tourist advertised.

Based on the blabber, you would think Washington was one big love-in, but how much inauguration fornication really went on? Talk of a gay orgy hosted by the "Mid-Atlantic Leather Maneuvers" to be held in banquet rooms in Washington's Doubletree Hotel hit the Internet like a tsunami. But only anti-gay groups confidently confirmed the plans for the pantless inauguration party. Of course, it only takes two to tango and according to onlookers, a couple was arrested for bonking in the bathroom at the Western Inaugural Ball. Gotta love those cowboys.

Maybe we Washingtonians weren't ready for this wave of whoopee--with every rodent-free hotel room from West Virginia to Baltimore overbooked--but grassroots capitalism sure was. There were handfuls of vendors selling "I Got Laid at Inauguration 2009" t-shirts before the new president was even sworn in. Of course, these astute t-shirt designers could not have been referring to the actual ceremony on the Mall, because we disciplined Democrats know that there are a few things you do not do during a historic swearing-in ceremony, and bearing your genitals is numero uno. The only groping I saw on the Capitol lawn was someone trying to steal a mitten.

While inaugural balls boasted the kind of lip-locking and hip-shaking that Washington seldom sees, I don't think the entire city spent the night hitting homeruns for Obama. But one thing is certain, with Bush out of the White House, the city feels sexier than it has in eight long years.

As for the millions of other revelers, I can only guess what you did during inauguration, but if you were able to make love later on that day, I applaud you. The census bureau is waiting with bated breath for October 21, 2009.