09/24/2012 01:01 pm ET Updated Nov 24, 2012

Me and My Geriatric Pregnancy

As a comedian, I'm sensitive. It's part of my genetic makeup and it's what makes me good at my "art." That is what comedians do -- we find humor in life experiences and pain. I've personally been using humor to cope with all the wonderful, amazing and agonizing moments of my very first pregnancy on my blog:

However, as sensitive as I am, I'm not that easily offended, especially when something is done or said with humor as the intention. I live by the life rule: All is fair in love and comedy. But I was so deeply offended the first time I heard this terminology and I have been ever since that it's taken me almost 8 months to write about it: Geriatric Pregnancy.

Now if you're a visual person, as I am, you may be picturing a little old granny on a Rascal rockin' a baby bump. Well don't, not just because it's slightly disturbing, but because it's also a false image. Instead picture me, possibly you or any of your other friends who are pregnant or trying to conceive who were born during or a little before 1978/1977, 'cause that's who that term refers to. I kid you not! Sure, you can look young and be in great shape, but if you're 35 and older you are not only considered "at risk" 'cause you're ancient to be pregnant by medical standards, but geriatric!

As someone who doesn't look my real age (thank you, melanin and good genes) and who's not looking to start taking Centrum Silver anytime soon, I find that term truly offensive. Geriatrically pregnant?! How can that even be a real medical term? The only person I can think of who could possibly fall into that category is Sarah, as in the one from the Bible, i.e. Abraham's wife, who was barren until she was 90!! Granted, that was from a time when people lived to be 130 or 140, easily. Who knows why? Less pollution? More exercise? They didn't have genetically modified food back then? Even still, that was considered really late to be getting knocked up. Not at all like today, where 40 is the new 30.

So, if in my late thirties I'm officially a geriatric pregnant woman -- or my other favorite medical label, "of advanced maternal age" -- what does this mean? That I'll soon be buying myself Ensure as I'm picking up PediaSure for my kid? WTF? If I'm so bloody old then I sure as hell should be getting a serious senior discount at BabieRUS. Hellooo!!! Oh, and while I'm on the topic, is there an AARP for us elderly pregos out there?!

All of this nonsense just makes me want to go off on a Bridget Jones-like rant from my bed: "I'm sorry, medical society, that I put my career first for a bit, or that I wasted my time with idiots who didn't want to get married or have kids, but I thought they did! I'm sooo sorry I lived in New York City for so long -- THE biggest playground in the world where hardly anyone wants to settle down because they're constantly looking for the next best thing and people think if you get married before 30 you're insane! But just because it took me a little longer to find the RIGHT guy does not mean that I should be punished by your lame and cruel phraseology!"

Yes, I'm making jokes about this, but my rage is real. I think I'm most upset about the fact that I'm still young at heart, vibrant, full of life and energy (figuratively and quite literally right now) and the medical world is trying to make me feel like the Crypt Keeper. SO NOT OKAY! My take is this: I'm sticking with what Aaliyah said (God rest her soul), "Age ain't nothin' but a number!" Although, I suppose I should just be glad I'm getting on with it before my breast milk curdles.