01/06/2012 11:17 am ET Updated Mar 07, 2012

Animal Rebellion Update: December 2011

The ongoing animal rebellion against mankind's domination of the Earth took a sudden turn in December. Arachnid forces occupied a shipyard and a US Navy warship under construction while other non-humans dramatically increased their attacks on civilians. Meanwhile, human Quislings have been aiding and abetting the rebellion, teaching chimpanzees how to make fire and unleashing a swarm of cobras in a tax protest. Even man's best friends have joined the fray, with one shooting his hunting companion in the buttocks and others being cross-bred with their wolverine ancestors to wreak havoc upon all humanity.

The Associated Press reports that at least two dozen deadly black widow spiders were found in the Bath Iron Works in Maine, where the destroyer USS Michael Murphy is under construction. Murphy, you may recall, was the first American to win the Congressional Medal of Honor for his heroic acts during the War in Afghanistan. The arachnids apparently infiltrated the shipyard via a shipment of missile launch system parts. Human extermination teams responded in force and fortunately eliminated the menace before serious harm resulted.

Not to be outdone, scorpions launched an all out offensive across America, with the number of stings for 2011 set to cross the politically critical threshold of 10,000, up nearly 20 percent from 2010, a new record. Further evidence of inter-species anti-human collaboration comes from Alaska, where authorities confirmed that a young special needs teacher was deliberately attacked by a pair of wolves, an assault which, according to biologists, "...appears to have been an aggressive, predatory attack that was relatively short in duration". There were no signs of human provocation.

Perhaps most disturbingly, there is now clear proof of treasonous human collaboration in the rebellion. Barely a year after the release of Rise of the Planet of the Apes, evidence has emerged showing that humans in Iowa are actively teaching chimpanzees how to make fire, roast marshmallows and cook meat! And just how did this ape learn to make fire? By repeatedly being shown Quest for Fire while still a young chimp! These humans claim that this beast is only allowed to make fires under close supervision, but as those of us who saw Rise of the Planet of the Apes know, even the strictest and closest supervision is utterly inadequate to the simian threat. Just ask the people and police department of San Francisco! It's only a matter of time before we are on the spit.

But there is more. We now see humans and cobras actively allied in anti government activities in India, where a snake charmer unleashed dozens of reptiles, including poisonous snakes, in a tax protest. Although nobody was hurt, authorities are still trying to capture all the snakes on the loose.

Tragically, the rebellion is now undermining the 30,000 year old alliance between humans and canines. In Utah, Piper the yellow Labrador opened fire on his hunting partner, who was in the midst of retrieving a wounded duck from a pond. Even worse, human traitors are now illegally breeding wolf-dog hybrids and setting them loose in New York City.

And so we enter 2012 with a Sword of Damocles hanging over our head. Let us all consider ourselves fortunate if we make it to the Winter Solstice intact for all the fun it has to offer. Happy New Year!