THE BLOG
12/03/2014 11:59 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

I Am Declaring a WAR on Christmas!

kemalbas via Getty Images

For too long Rush Limbaugh and Fox news have been fighting an imaginary enemy. There never really was a war on Christmas, until today! Come and get me.

Christians, cut out your whining. Get real. For a long time your churches fought against Christmas, they did not want your man-god deity to have a winter birthday. It is not your holiday, it never was. Your sacred Pilgrims even outlawed it.

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Pagan, I will say it again Rush, Pagan, it is a Pagan holiday.

The Romans had Saturnalia, even the Barbarians had a festival at this time. The birth of Sol Invictus was on December 25th (Look it up Tea Party).

You tried to steal our holiday, eventually even the church sanctioned it. But you can't keep it.

The war has begun, in fact the war has already been won.

Black Friday stole your souls proving that for all your Jesus talk you care more about a bargain than you do about quality family time.

The credit card companies then exploited your greed by charging you 38% interest in order to get that 10% off on Black Friday.

The banks took your homes and your savings while you were busy praying for your house to be saved.

I want to destroy what is left of your tattered greedy holiday. In fact for this entire month, I will be boycotting Mariah Carey, a known Christmas supporter.

I want to ban the mangers from public display. That's right, big business took everything from you save your Pius public declarations of 'faith'. Even Tim Tebow can't get on his knees and save you now. No more virgins (who ever really believed that?), no more babies, animals and wise men.

It is time you learned the true importance of the holiday.

Jewish Christmas, I do it almost every year.

You want your precious holiday back? Ha!

Time to enjoy the season Jewish style: Chinese food and a movie. Dim Sum and a Matinee if you are feeling tight, Pekin Duck and an evening show if flush.

No gifts, no cooking, no muss, no fuss. Just you and your Jewish friends fighting the war on Christmas over dumplings. You can even invite your Muslim friends, though they won't eat the meat unless you find Halal. Is there such a thing as Halal Pekin Duck? People of different sky fairy beliefs enjoying a meal together, fighting the good fight, the bloodless war. The war on Christmas.

Come and get me Rush, come and get me Fox, I will be dining on dumplings this year.

Merry Mithras to all and to all a good fight.