THE BLOG
06/22/2007 03:52 pm ET Updated Nov 17, 2011

A Fatwah Wah Wah

English is my first and only language. I'm not proud of that "only" part. And yet I was having a hard time deciphering the language of the not-dead-yet Immigration Bill. Until I understood that it is based on a point system. I have been a slide-rule carrying Weight-Watcher since George Bush stole the first election. At the time, I figured my weight was the only thing I could control so I joined up.

Weight Watchers is a perfect prism to understand Jorge's Immigration Bill. After all, for six and a half years, he has treated the Presidency as a weight loss, get in shape program. According to the proposed bill, to be an immigrant legally admitted into the U.S. you have to have a certain number of points, based on professional skill-sets, educational experience, economic solvency etc.

After a fearless and searching inventory, all I can say is it's a good thing I'm already here. By my slide rule calculation, I'm short about 171 points for entry.

Though I have the good carbs and moral fiber of a Masters in teaching, eight years of experience at the high school level, a 1996 Jeep with 20,000 miles on it, co-owned properties in New York and Massachusetts, in general, they are offset by the transfats of transgression.

You do the math:

- comic for twenty-five years, but out lesbian comic, plus outspoken against the Iraq war, all war actually, plus
-has a loyal bushie, but is not a loyal Bushie, plus
- very old and bad math SATs, plus
- long list of questionable, frankly unpatriotic Google searches, plus
- cherished bullhorn, birthday gift from girlfriend, plus
- an incriminating middle finger pose near police captured on Google Street View during an immigration rally.

The slide rule is totally off the rails. Who's that knocking at my door? Why it's the Minute Men and Maids.

By my calculation, I am in the debit column and might have to pay the $5000 fine as an undocumented worker. So much depends on the case worker. In Weight Watchers we learn it's important to drink a lot of water and eat the dark leafy greens. Most water is being diverted to agri-business and there aren't enough workers to pull up the Swiss Chard. How many points in a grab bag of Cheetohs?