02/11/2013 03:03 pm ET Updated Apr 13, 2013

I Don't Want a Man, Give Me a Prince

Cave women went for the big, hairy-fisted cave man. His hair wasn't limited to his fists; it grew on his back and curled out of his nose and ears. His feet were thick. His toes were ugly and he walked funny.

Later women went for men who continued to walk funny because they'd been riding horses too long. And they smelled.

On December 31st, 406, when the barbarians crossed the Rhine to sack Rome, the big Vandal men surely had bits of meat in their teeth just like T-Rex did before he was wiped out by the Ice Age. In the age of dirty men, it was OK to be a dirty woman. You could have fleas and still catch a mate.

It was only when civilization really took off that women started wanting men who had arches, linen covering their dainty calves, silken drawers and brocade vests. We now want men who can be real men but can still look good in a tuxedo. In the 21st century, we want everything.

We want a man who has the class, taste and style of a gay man, the masculinity and romantic idiocy of a Greek man who would fight for Troy (even though Helen preferred to be with someone else) and the charm, wit and panache of a prince.

A friend was telling me lately about her newest boyfriend. He's a diver and he travels. He has properties, she told me. I wanted to ask whether he owns either Park Place or Boardwalk. Personally, I can't go out with a man who doesn't have those two properties. If all you have is the purple ones or the light blue ones, forget about it. I want Park Place.

Another friend can't settle down because she hasn't dated anyone who skis at her level. She's a heli-skier, so good luck with that one. She also likes men with properties. The problem with 21st century women is that they don't really want a man. They want a god. A man would make mistakes. A man might want to go do stuff with the guys. A man might play fantasy baseball. A man might lie around some evenings. A man might make man noises. God forbid. We cannot have man noises! A man might drink too much sometime, might raise his voice. A man might not be like a movie star or a god or an angel. Angels do not have penises. So if you really don't want to deal with male accoutrements, I would suggest an angel.

What I like in a man is the following: He needs to be willing to do some of the cooking and be as good a cook as me. This is not a huge hurdle. I'd like him to be in my income bracket. Again, pretty easy. I don't want to support someone; neither would I want someone who makes so much money that he gets to call the shots. I want to be with someone as smart and well read as I am. And as interested in art, music, theatre, travel and the outdoors. It's OK if he screws up sometimes because I do too.

My suggestion, ladies, is not to lower your standards, but to change what you are looking for from the superficial How much stuff does he have? to the real How interesting and funny is this guy? How much fun is he to be with? Ask yourself about the size of his heart rather than the size of his wallet.