04/02/2013 12:15 pm ET Updated Jun 02, 2013

Mad Men Season 6: Kathleen Hale Marries Donald Draper

AMC recently released the teaser for season six of Mad Men. It got me thinking.

What if I were married to Donald Draper?


Don (arrives home from work): "Hello?"

Me (leaps out from coat closet): "Boo!"

Don: "I hate when you do that."

Me (gives him big hug): "I didn't cook anything because I was just dicking around on the Internet practically all day but I got us pizza. You've never told me what kind of pizza you like so I got us cheese. Everyone loves cheese."

Don: "Here is my coat."

Me: "Okay, yeah, I don't know where to put this so I'll just wear it." (Wears coat; dances and makes sounds as if coat is haunted.)

Don: "I want you to talk to the doctor about drugs."

Me: "Yeah listen, I know all the other wives are on that stuff but it just doesn't agree with me. I get horrible farts and also when I try to drink the Martinis I make for you I feel nuts."

(Full silence for five minutes.)

Me: "Hey so what was it like being in the war? I've been meaning to ask you. It seems like a hot spot and I really think you might feel a bit more relaxed if you opened up about it?"

(Don lights a cigarette.)

Me: "Okay. I guess instead we could talk about that shoe box you're always putting stuff in? What's in there anyway? Is it like... a secret? Like a shoebox for secrets?"

(Full silence for five minutes.)

Me: "You know how much I like secrets."

Don: "Call me when dinner is ready."

Me: "It's a frozen pizza. It's been ready since I started eating it for lunch."

(Silence for one minute.)

Me: "Hey can I talk to you about some feelings I'm having?"

Don: "I'll be in my study."

(Door slams.)

Me (outside of door): "Don?"