THE BLOG
01/27/2015 09:05 am ET Updated Mar 29, 2015

The Eight Kinds of People Who Post on Facebook During #Snowmageddon

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1. The Panickers: provide constant weather status updates, bread and milk status updates, traffic updates and temperature updates. Can also be Photographers (see #7), by dint of Instagram shots of stopped traffic, empty supermarket shelves, outdoor thermometers which are snow-capped and icicle-adorned, and car dashboards with frightening temperature read-outs. Such panic is not limited to weather-related events, but also extends to deadly viruses, state testing, and hamburger meat recalls.

2. The Curmudgeons: originally hail from Canada, the Northeast, or the Midwest, and virtually roll their eyes at any precipitous snow-related hand-wringing. Anything less than six feet of accumulation is, by their estimation, a dusting, since in their day, they merely donned Speedos and flip-flops to frolick in the fluffy white stuff -- after they went to a full day of school, of course, because they're from Buffalo and BUFFALO NEVER CLOSED, GODDAMNIT. Often refer to blizzards as "Monday."

3. The #Hashtaggers: make everything into a joke by typing run-on sentences and the symbol that previous generations so fondly called the #poundsign. #snOMG #fuckyouwinter #thanksalotobama

4. The Snow-Poseurs: find any sort of discussion about snowstorms terribly bourgeois, and post instead about how lame it is to be concerned about two feet of snow. Usually freelancers with excellent wi-fi connection, or those with a less-than-fifteen minute door-to-door commute which is not reliant on public transportation. Often post about Sundance documentaries, brunch, and how awful they think the David Foster Wallace film will be, even though no one -- including the director -- has seen the final cut yet.

5. The Sunshine-Staters: reside in California, Florida or Arizona, and offer social media posts of condolences and heartfelt expressions wishing safe travels to their Northeast brethren enduring inclement weather, while they sit in their lanais in requisite tankinis. With a sweater draped over their shoulders. Because it's like, 68 degrees, and they lack the self-awareness to refrain from typing "Brrrrr!" Also, because they secretly fear that this will be the year we Northerners finally turn on them, and won't let them sleep on our pull-out couches when they realize that they miss the city, and need a place to stay so they can take their kids to see "Wicked" on Broadway.

6. The Northeastern Ex-Pats Now Living in Southern States: whine about their "pay-attention-to-me!" dusting of snow and spin-outs on Georgia roads. Because they're New Yorkers at heart, are bitter about having to order Brooklyn-water bagels and good deli online, and no longer have #Snowmageddons to complain about while they play golf ten months out of the year.

7. The Photographers: document snowmen and snowball fights and glinting icicles and snow-swept walkways and yardsticks stuck in four-foot snow drifts and cups of latte accented with frothy hearts and snow-bedecked bare branches and ice skates "haphazardly" kicked off on exquisite tile floors -- please, people, it looks like a stylist did that for Architectural Digest. Makes you want to brave the elements and drive over to said photographers' houses and smash their smartphones with the L.L. Bean boot knockoff you bought at Target because fucking L.L. Bean ran out of their waterproof boots three weeks before Christmas. A hundred years in business and you people didn't see that retro trend coming?

8. The Stoners: Clearly high or living under a rock, because this is the first they're hearing about any kind of snowstorm. WHAT?!? SNOW?!? WHEN?!? WHAT MONTH IS THIS?!?