THE BLOG
02/23/2016 07:11 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

A Big Clue You Don't Love Yourself

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If everyone tells you you're such a great catch and they wonder why such a wonderful person like you hasn't been snatched up, we have a sobering question for you:

Do you notice that you often secretly judge others?

For example, your sister tells you about a new car she bought and you think: She can't possibly afford that car on her salary. She's so irresponsible about money.

Or your colleague waltzes in to the office whenever he feels like it, and you think: How can he get away with that? Does he think he owns this place?

Throughout the day, every day, you find yourself silently criticizing others.

My cousin will never find a guy if she doesn't lose weight... my neighbor is too nosy... my friend is too self-absorbed with posting selfies on social media...

What does this all mean?

Are you surrounded by people who don't have their act together?

Or is it perhaps a clue about something way deeper and more fundamental about YOU?

How Your Relationship With Others Brings Up The Next Biggest Thing You Need To Learn About Yourself

When we judge others or feel our "buttons being pushed" by the things they say and do, we may actually be projecting our own feelings.

We are accusing others of the very things we disown or reject about ourselves.

Here's how it works...

Let's say you have a fear of rejection that stems from something far back in childhood.

More than likely, you're unaware of this fear. You haven't yet acknowledged it. Or you know about it, but reject that it's an issue.

Your subconscious mind is aware of it, though. And that part of your mind will always seek opportunities to work out this old issue. It will lead you into situations where you can bring that fear into your awareness.

In other words, you will enter into relationships with people who will "trigger" that fear or unacknowledged emotion inside you.

You will attract a relationship where your partner will withdraw, act cold, make plans with his or her friends instead of with you, have a hobby they love that doesn't (or can't) involve you, etc.

Instead of causing you to face and accept your fear, their behavior will cause you to be secretly judgmental or critical.

You don't think: Hmm, I'm feeling afraid that he's going to abandon me and I'll be alone again.

Instead you think: He never spends time with me, he's off having fun instead of fixing these things around the house, he's wasting money playing golf all day when he should be saving money and spending the day with me.

Another example -- let's say that you consider yourself a neat, tidy and financially conservative person. You keep your home and car clean and you never spend more than you make.

But deep down, you're really someone who wishes they could forgo responsibility for a while, kick up their feet, and be self-indulgent for a change.

However, you don't want to admit that to yourself. It's just not something you accept about yourself, for whatever reason. Maybe in childhood you were rejected for being that way.

Your creative mind will actually draw you into situations where you are around people who seem sloppy, irresponsible and flaky.

And instead of admitting that you're a little bit like them, you will find yourself secretly complaining about them.

What Do You Need To Accept About Yourself In Order To Love Yourself?

When you don't, or can't, acknowledge your feelings or accept something about yourself, it's a sign that deep down, you don't love yourself.

And if you don't love yourself, you'll never feel completely at peace with yourself and the world around you.

You'll always find something to complain about, and the people in your life will always seem to be less than perfect, because YOU think you're less than perfect.

Unless you can learn to love yourself, and accept yourself and your feelings, you'll never be able to be fully loved by anyone else, either.

My Own Story: Why I Was Unhappily Single For So Long

There was a time in my life many years ago when I so badly wanted love and acceptance, but all I did was criticize my (ex) wife and accuse her of being nit-picky and too sensitive.

I had several other unhappy relationships in my 20s and 30s before I met my wife Katie. I thought women were too critical and too obsessed with talking about feelings. I didn't fully believe them when they said they loved me or wanted me to be happy.

The truth was, I was out of touch with my own feelings. I wasn't "sensitive" enough to what my mind and heart wanted and needed. Therefore, I projected those unacknowledged aspects of myself onto others.

I was secretly judgmental.

It wasn't until I had a major breakthrough in my life where I finally learned how to love myself that all that changed.

I met and fell in love with Katie, lost 100 pounds, and exploded my career.

Your Most Important Next Step In Finding Lasting Love

Learning to love yourself starts with having immense compassion -- realizing that all of us experience a range of emotions, including self hatred.

When you shine the light of compassion on your own self, you also stop seeing the "wrong" in others. You stop being triggered all the time, and you become a less judgmental person.

When you love all of yourself, as if by magic, you will find yourself being completely loved by others.

That's why the most powerful thing you can do to find someone out there is to take care of what's "in here" -- and that's you. Are you treating yourself the way you want a partner to treat you? Are you truly accepting all of yourself, or are you critical of yourself and others?

Until you can fully embrace all that you are, you will keep finding it a challenge to accept love and appreciation from someone else. And you will draw to you other people who don't love themselves.

Starting right now, feel all the love you would shower on your life partner -- and direct it to yourself. When you are aglow with self love, the right partner will easily find you.

When you subscribe to Katie and Gay's free relationship e-newsletter, Hearts In Harmony, you'll understand exactly why so many relationship problems -- even stubborn, long-standing ones -- can finally be resolved when you learn to identify the underlying issues within yourself. You'll also learn a powerful, 3-step plan for attracting genuine, lasting love -- with a partner who can create the blissful relationship you long for. www.heartsintrueharmony.com.