02/05/2009 05:12 am ET Updated Nov 17, 2011

4 Reasons Why Ann Coulter Has No Business Mocking Michelle Obama

A headline caught our eye recently, about some nasty things Ann Coulter said about Michelle Obama in a new book. At the risk of giving free publicity to the book, we felt it necessary to set the record straight about Coulter and the general subject of mocking.

Mocking usually hits its peak in junior high school, and then mercifully wanes as people reach the soaring heights of maturity exhibited in high school sophomores. Coulter is living evidence that it's possible to maintain a pre-pubescent level of emotional development well into middle age (and make a pretty good buck at it, too.)

Need proof? Believe it or not, in Coulter's book she apparently criticizes the way Michelle Obama dresses and wears her hair. In our junior high school, the tall blonde girls with a mean streak sometimes made fun of the hair-dos of the African-American girls, but most of them stopped doing that sort of thing by the time they graduated from the eighth grade. We're saddened, but not surprised, that making fun of the future First Lady's hair and clothing is the best thing Coulter can come up with. It does not bode well for the level of thoughtful policy criticism we can expect from Republicans over the next few years.

Here's the bottom line about Coulter and mocking:

Ann Coulter says nasty things about Michelle Obama because she envies her. Coulter would happily give up every drop of venom that drips off her lips for one moment of knowing what it's like to be a genuine, loving woman who's making a real contribution to the world. Coulter is rich and gets lots of media face-time, so why would she be envious of Michelle Obama? Here are several reasons Coulter has no business mocking anybody, much less Michelle Obama.

1. Michelle Obama has raised two beautiful healthy children. They are polite, articulate and fun to be around. By contrast, we picture small children shrieking, clutching their pets and running in terror from any room Ann Coulter enters.

2. Michelle Obama has maintained her own career while giving remarkable support to the career of her husband. That's a remarkable feat, given how far they have come so quickly. To our knowledge, Ann Coulter has never had a thriving long-term relationship with any man or woman, possibly for the same reason mentioned in #1.

3. Michelle Obama exudes positive energy, on stage and off; Ann Coulter is where good vibes go to die. Her sneer and sarcastic tone seem to have become permanent features of her personality.

4. Michelle and Barack Obama like each a lot: they have often been photographed in public displays of affection. By contrast, Coulter's career is based entirely on public displays of rejection.

There are plenty more reasons, but we'll stop here, for the same reason that we reach for the remote control any time we see Coulter's twisted grin or hear her sarcastic tones.

A while back we heard that Ann Coulter's jaw had been wired shut, due to an accident. This seemed like a direct wink from a just and merciful God. However, her jaws have apparently broken free now, and it has not made the world a better place. Rather than the forced restriction of a wired jaw, she (and the rest of us) would be a lot better off if she learned instead to speak honestly about how lonely it must be to have a life in which sarcasm is the best idea she can come up with.