Ladies, is your relationship suffering at the hands of your own stupidity? Your foolish, lingering notions that people are just people -- that men and women are inexorably bound to the same mortal coil and as a baseline of existence are actually, well, not all that different in their desires to be understood and loved?
Here's a helpful image I want you to keep in mind whenever you are trying to forge a dialogue between the genders: A gaping chasm. A cavernous space -- too wide to ever even scream across -- separating two distinct cliffs. On one side you have men -- strong, silent, brooding, insular, emotionally distant, and sex-craved. On the other you have women -- weak, erratic, shrill, overly-analytic, and frigid.
There is no hope at ever knowing a man. Do you ask a wolf how its day was? "Oh I don't know darling, just a blur of indescribable instincts to maim and kill. To impregnate and sleep." Exactly.
Conversely, what can you say when your man asks you how you are? "Oh I don't know darling, just a blur of indescribably intense emotions arbitrarily ping-ponging between crushing anxiety, despair, and utter delight."
The answer, in case you hadn't guessed, is no. And no. There isn't a chance in hell -- and yes that fiery pit awaits you -- of ever understanding one another. God made gender like a gypsy's tag-sale: a preposterous collection of misshapen puzzle pieces that will never fit together. The best we can do is jam our genitals together in a fleeting wet mashing motion to try and create a child and then take a shower.
But for those of you who just don't get it, I've taken the liberty of expanding upon the Christian Broadcasting Network's recent interview with author Shaunti Feldhahn, who recently penned "For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men." It is simply a glittering gem of unprecedented insight; the first thing I've ever read that could single-handedly render what was previously unintelligible weeping and grunts into something resembling a conversation between men and women.
Forgive me while I genuflect.
As a response and humble homage to "10 Things Guys Wish Women Knew About Men" -- a post gleaned from Feldhahn's uncanny advice from interviewing more than 1,000 mysterious menfolk -- I've crafted "10 Things Girls Wish Men Knew About Women."
Using an interview with just me. Because, let's be honest: When it comes to female motivation and desire, we're all the damn same! Just like our penis-ed brethren. (Although I appreciate Feldhahn's dogged, journalistic tenacity.)
1. Women would rather feel inadequate and disrespected than unloved.
According to Feldhahn, "Husbands need to know that their wives respect them both privately and publicly . . . Men thrive when they know that their wives trust them, admire them and believe in them. "
This is not the case with us. We are inadequate. We've been over this. Between our physical weakness, cognitive deficiencies, and tell-tale vaginas -- hello! Why do you think God made a huge gaping hole in our bodies if not to remind us of our inherent lacking -- we're not in the market for admiration or trust. I mean, that age-old biblical axiom was scrawled from on high for a reason: Never trust anything that bleeds for seven days and doesn't die.
Women are, after all, merely voids to be filled. With your love. (i.e. penis.) To reiterate: Women neither want nor need respect from their partner.
Which brings us to the next point.
2. A women's anger is often a response to feeling a little too respected.
"When a husband becomes angry with his wife, he may not come out and say, 'You're disrespecting me!' But, there is a good likelihood that he is feeling stung by something his wife has done which he considers disrespectful and humiliating."
That's right. Don't try and articulate what we might have done to upset you. Instead, not-so-subtly slam doors, cabinets, and drawers until we peevishly ask what's wrong and you can respond with, "Shut your flapping lips you daft cow," before retiring to your man cave to play SlaughterBitch 7. We just need to know that you're angry. Not that we're being "heard" or some such nonsense. The sooner you punish us for our nebulous transgression, the sooner we can self-flagellate and fellate you in repentance.
(Oh, and by "anger" we mean that soft clicking noise we make with our tongue sometimes.)
3. Women are insecure.
"To men, affirmation from their wives is everything! If they don't receive this affirmation from their wives, they'll seek it elsewhere."
A nice solid emotional threat keeps us in line. We know -- intuitively -- from the moment we grew from rib to womanly wench that we're imperfect. Let us know that if we don't properly bolster your understandable ego -- after all, you giveth us everything -- that you will get up and tug the terrycloth shorts off our nubile nanny. Because she is quick to remind you (every day she traipses into the kitchen) that you are the best-looking father in town. "And so funny too!"
4. Women feel the burden of being the provider for their family.
"Men simply bear the emotional burden of providing for their family. It's not a burden they've chosen to bear. Men are simply wired with this burden."
God intended for you mighty men to rule over the creatures of land, sea, and sky. And when critters great and small are under your thumb -- and care! -- that weight can be crushing. Think nothing of what us women must endure: chapped hands, tirelessly washing dishes, mending socks, cooking not-so-flavorful meals because you hate salt and "anything browned," grinding Shout-sticks into soiled underpants, and raising our five children to be God-fearing, obedient minions. We provide very little but a set of breasts to hang a snuggish blouse on.
Which brings me to the next point.
5. Women want less sex.
"Men simply need to be wanted. Regular, fulfilling sex is critical to a man's sense of feeling loved and desired."
This is not so for us. Being desired is confusing, inducing feelings of panic and shame. Sometimes -- but for this we pray -- we feel pangs of disorienting lasciviousness, cravenly craving the naked body of our husband near us, but we cleverly subsume these feelings into that of our better halves', reminding ourselves with a deft pinch of the clitoris that fulfilling sex is the realm of men-folk. Orgasms are highly overrated. That kind of muscular spasming is unsightly and time consuming.
6. Sex means more than sex.
"When a husband feels rejected sexually, he not only feels his wife is rejecting him physically, but that she is somehow rejecting his life as a husband, provider and man."
We will never reject you. Simply present your member before our faces -- even if we're sleeping -- and we will do the rest. Grope our bottoms as we bend to clean the toilet or tuck our toddler into bed. Sex does indeed mean more than sex. It means we are doing our God-given wifely duty to drain your beautifully veined trouser-snake. When we fail to open our legs for our husbands we condemn his very existence, his domination over our bodies and lives. So keep those thighs swinging faster than a Western saloon's door.
7. Women struggle with mental temptation.
"Even the most godly husband cannot avoid noticing a woman who dresses in a way that draws attention to her body . . . Men can choose whether to dwell on these images and memories or dismiss them, but they can't control when these images appear."
We too understand this struggle ... although the male figure -- his quiet bulge beckoning us from his too-tight trousers -- is not something we're mentally tempted by. We never ever think about a dusty, sweat-smeared cowboy ravishing us in the barn, our panties tugged around our knees as he takes us from behind, his hot breath against our neck bringing us over the brink of ecstasy.
8. Women enjoy romance, but doubt their skills at receiving it.
"Men want to be romantic, but they just doubt their ability to pull it off ... For example, a wife may balk when her husband asks her to go along to the hardware store, but it's likely that he's asking because he sees it as a time they can get away as a couple and hang out together. What's not romantic about that?"
There is nothing more romantic than being asked to go to the hardware store. Pursuing aisles of glinting screws and packages of sandpaper? Following behind you as the fluorescent lights burn our eyes a little and you ask, again, if a gas grill might be a good addition to the patio ... is the stuff that makes our heart flutter. We just want to be near you. And watch you carry all those power tools we can't afford to the check-out counter.
Another good place to get away together? A noisy sports bar where you can slosh beer on my new skirt and scream in my ear.
9. Women worry about their appearance.
"What men really want is to know that their wives are making an effort to take care of themselves (and not letting themselves go) because it matters to them (the husbands!). Husbands appreciate the efforts their wives make to maintain their attractiveness."
When we're not worrying about what's for dinner and if the kitchen counters are still sticky, we're wondering -- compulsively -- if we're pretty enough. If our vaginas are eliciting the proper scent of fiji breeze, if our breasts are pert enough, our asses high enough; if our 4 hours of sleep (because you can't sleep unless you come four times) is showing beneath our swollen eyes.
Remind us that our worrying is worth it. See #6. Present your member and penetrate.
10. Women know how much their husbands love them.
"Men aren't confident in their ability to express this, but they love their wives dearly. Men want to show how much they love their wives and long for them to understand this fact."
We understand! Don't ever the say those three pesky words -- we know how humiliating that is. Simply squeeze our breast absentmindedly as you're walking to the garage or bring home some extra steak from the butcher that can be de-fatted for dinner. Sign our mother's birthday card with a sloppy "X" instead of your name as you snicker at the television and call Hillary Clinton a "wrinkled old slut."
We love you too.