THE BLOG
09/02/2014 01:25 pm ET Updated Nov 02, 2014

Here's All The Ways We Could Have Died Last Week

Guys, did you know that your life is in danger? Like, death is wielding his scythe mere inches from your neck at any given moment? That the wind you just felt rustling across your nape was in fact a mere miscalculation of his swing and your mortality was thisclose to being sliced from your slender neck?

Well. It is. But fret not. Because weather.com has kept a keen eye on the grim reaper and every one of his manifestations.

Irrational fear makes you strong. So let's get to it. Here's a healthy round-up of things to consider while showering, trying to go sleep, driving in your car, commuting on the train, having sex, tying your shoes, cooking dinner, combing your hair, brushing your teeth, starting a new chapter of your book or meditating. Or any other time you might be enjoying a quiet moment of solace.

Seven people were killed by Hurricane Cristobal. And the storm looks like it's coming this way! Brain-eating amoebas are lurking in your water system. Ebola is just the beginning of fatal infections. There are deadly, diseased creatures lurking in your backyard. A landslide disaster has hit China. (Where do landslides happen here?!) Sinkholes have devoured a neighborhood in Indiana. (Is that like quicksand?) There are swarms of jellyfish infesting the ocean. You probably have Lyme disease, but you just don't know it. All these adorable ducks are going extinct and our entire ecosystem is in peril. Methane is bubbling up from the ocean floor, creating toxic gas and spurring global warming, and you'll never get to see Glacier National Park because it's melting so rapidly and you'll probably die of nuclear radiation before you ever save up enough vacation time to get there.

Everyone is sick and dying, being systematically slaughtered or being preyed upon by the whims of Mother Nature. You're going to need lots of insurance: life, earthquake, fire, flood, rental, etc., because God is a cruel and unusual mistress.

Get down on your hands and knees and thank your lucky stars that sites like weather.com are watching out for you. Death is coming. Consider yourself warned.

OK. OK. Because it's Tuesday, we'll try and bolster your spirits a bit. Here's one of our favorite ditties by Bombadil.

So Many Ways To Die: