04/24/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Winter Olympics: Thanks, but Snow Thanks

The Winter Olympics: a veritable who's who of today's sports whatever. People going down mountains really fast, people skating around on ice really fast, Shaun White -- it's all very "who cares." I'm surprised every time these things get renewed.

Because it's been on TV nonstop, I've caught a good amount of the Winter Olympics this year. Because it's incredibly boring, I've had a lot of time to think of ways to improve it. I figure, if everyone in the world has to watch the Olympics for months at a time every year, it should at least be somewhat entertaining. Here are a few ideas:

Funny Skits
Imagine what Saturday Night Live would be if it weren't for the funny skits.* No one would watch it! This is why no one watches the Olympics. So, an obvious solution would be to include some funny skits. You can have the athletes do the skits, but please do not have them write them. The commentators can write them. They cannot be sports themed.

The biggest problem I have with the Olympic games is that they're boring and they take the place of non-boring regular TV. I have lots of other big problems with them after that, and somewhere down the list is the problem that they are not interactive. Why do I want to sit at home and watch other people do things? Because I'm lazy? Yes! But that doesn't mean I don't like a good play-at-home game! Give me a break!

Better Looking Athletes
You can't see their faces most of the time because of their helmets or because they're going so fast down the snow shoot or around the ice circle or whatever, but it would still be nice to know.

Magic Eye
I don't know why people are trying to push 3D when we've had Magic Eye technology for like 20 years. It's way better. I'm not sure if it's possible to have a whole event presented in Magic Eye, but if anyone can do it, it's James Cameron. No one is stopping the Olympics from trying, though.

We Are the World
The new "We Are the World" music video and iTunes download are really hot right now, raising tons of money to help send Haiti to the next Olympics. It's number one on the charts. But in all of the Olympics I've watched so far, I've only seen this music video aired once. That seems like a mistake! I suggest giving it a go before every commercial break. It's just what people want.

More Variety
How many times can you have people ski down a hill and tell me it's a different event? Because so far it's been about 400 times.

Cute Animals
Every year, the puppy bowl pulls more and more viewers away from the regular super bowl, leaving it one of the least-watched sports events ever on TV. Why? Because of the puppies. It won't be long before Animal Channel gets together a whole program of Baby Animal Olympics, making Human Olympics obsolete. But if Human Olympics can throw together its own Baby Animal Olympics first, well, it might still have a chance.

A Host
I don't know, is there a host?

*Saturday Night Live

Cross-published at When Falls the Coliseum.