10/07/2014 01:53 pm ET Updated Dec 07, 2014

The 10 Mortal Sins of a Moms' Night In

Kelly Fig Smith

It's that time of the week again. Sweet baby Jesus knows that the only redeeming thing about Monday mornings is that Monday night, Moms' Night, is just a stone's throw away. Happy dance! So grab your slippers and some potato chips and head out the door to my house. Do not pass go. Do not fix your hair or cuddle your kids first. It's Moms' Night!

Now that you're here, let's take a moment to review some of the basic rules. In order to preserve the purity and protect the identities of the innocent, you will be expected to avoid the following sins at all costs. Most of these offenses are fairly obvious. I realize you had no way of knowing the rules prior to your arrival, so no worries tonight. But in the future. Well, let's just say, worries. Loads of worries. Avoid these little diddies at all costs.

The 10 Mortal Sins of a Mom's Night In

  1. You're wearing a skirt. This makes no sense to anyone, and is of course a foul, unless you are wearing said skirt to flaunt the bear-like winter layer of hair on your legs. This winter layer alone is proof of your practicality and intelligence so you will, therefore, be allowed to remain (this time) with nothing more than a warning.
  2. You bring a non-infant, non-breastfeeding child person with you. What the what? Enough said. Enough said.
  3. You text at the last minute to say you can't come to Moms' Night because you just need more time with your husband. Umm. What?! As much as we all love our gorgeous spouses, let me be clear: Moms' Night is sacred. Your spouse can have all the other nights. Monday nights are hallowed ground. Smack him heartily on the behind and head out the door, sister.
  4. Yes, we all realize that Christy has basil stuck in her teeth from dinner earlier tonight. Do not feel the need to point it out. We all see it. We like it there. Because we are each other's people. And when you are each other's people, you embrace the basil jammed into canines. (We love you Christy)!
  5. You pass on the chocolate cake and feel the need to share with the group that it's because you ran 10 miles this morning and you'd really hate to undo all that cardio. As happy as we are for you, the rest of us fully intend to eat this chocolate cake with no side of shame, please.
  6. You bring the movie The Shining, or its equivalent, for the featured movie. No, no, no, no. We all have enough terror, grief and general insanity in our everyday lives. We are here to gush, melt and above all else, laugh. Think, Ryan Gosling. Think Ben Stiller. Never, never, think Jack Nicholson. OK, so I forgot about Something's Gotta Give and As Good as it Gets. Other than that, NEVER think Jack Nicholson.
  7. You bring carrot sticks and ants on a log to share with the group. Please refer to sin number five and then pass the chocolate cake.
  8. You misplace your sense of humor somewhere at home and become furious at your inability to hear every single line of You've Got Mail due to all the raucous laughter and general shenanigans taking place. You can be heard vehemently "shushing" for the duration of the film.
  9. You casually mention how you've recently come across a new cleaning schedule that allows you to keep your house immaculately clean and organized at all times. You're more than willing to share the secret, as you can see it's so desperately needed here.
  10. You go home and share all the sticky, gooey, confidential details of said Mom's Night with your spouse. Look, here's the thing: To men, Moms' Nights are like unicorns -- they are a thing to be amazed at, as mysterious and unknowable as the unfathomable depths of the female psyche. We want to keep it that way, ladies. If they knew we mostly talked about them, our kids and our periods for three hours, they wouldn't envy us one lick. And where's the fun in that?