02/01/2008 05:16 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Are You Ready for Some... Super Bowl Pre-Game??!!!

Fox's news release promised their pre-game coverage would "mix the safety blitz with Hollywood glitz." So right away you know you're in for a nightmare.

It's the same release Fox News has issued for their Super Tuesday coverage.

Instead of showing tailgate parties or stories on the economic impact of the game -- which has been done to death -- Fox is going to do something completely groundbreaking and revolutionary -- they're going to interview celebrities. Who cares what Terry Bradshaw thinks when we can get Jennifer Morrison's expert analysis?

There will be an actual red carpet show, hosted by (who else?) Ryan Seacrest. It's a chance for a number of actors to finally give their Golden Globe acceptance speeches. "LA VIE EN ROSE was an extraordinary experience and if Edith Piaf were here right now I'm sure she'd be saying GO PATRIOTS!! WOOO!!!"

Who needs satire when Paula-Abdul is actually singing on the pre-game show? Scott Ackerson, the show's producer, is quoted as saying Paula's song is "going to surprise a lot of people." When asked in what way he said, "It's going to be good."

In the twelve-hour pre-game show, Fox promises that at least three minutes will be devoted to actually previewing the game. But not consecutively.

In fairness though, last year when CBS did the pre-game show they used Katie Couric.

One thing Fox did get right: Joe Buck doing the play-by-play.

The average ticket price for the Superbowl: Around $4,125. Parking not included.

The over/under for Jordin Spark's singing of the national anthem is 1:42. Take the over.

Tonight Show correspondent, Kellie Pickler refuses to give her pick. But she's been there reporting all week and now almost knows who the two teams are.

Sorry sports fans, no "Lingerie Bowl" this year. That's the halftime Pay Per View event where scantily clad bimbos play flag football. Don't blame the WGA strike for this one. I'm sure they'd be willing to give them a waiver.

If the Patriots win and make history, Boston fans at the game will still chant, "Yankees Suck!"

Bridget Monynihan, who had a child with Tom Brady just before he dumped her for someone else, works out in my gym. I told her she should have named the baby Peyton.

TV Azteca must've been so proud when their correspondent wore a wedding dress to media day and proposed to the two quarterbacks. Where'd she get her Journalism degree, from an on-line program offered by J-Date?

Why does Sirius satellite radio make such a big deal of having Howard Stern when they also provide the Telenet (Flemish) broadcast of the Superbowl on channel 119?

The Patriots are going to win but take the Giants and the points.

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