04/06/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

American Idol Auditions Recap

Since all the open auditions are pretty much the same I thought I'd lump them all in one post. Call it American Idol in a Bowl.

The guest judges varied in quality. Neil Patrick Harris was terrific. I'd like to think he didn't become the permanent new judge because he's got that day job and not because Simon realized he's too good.

Shania Twain showed some personality and paid one hopeful the greatest compliment any singer could receive -- she liked his ass.

By the way, have you noticed that whenever there is a good guest judge Kara just disappears? This is a huge improvement over incredibly annoying. More good guest judges please!

Mary J. Blige looked like she'd rather be in Iraq.

Katy Perry was refreshingly candid. She had no problem ripping people. If only she wasn't a worse singer than the contestants she crushed. She did have the best moment of the season so far when she called out Kara for liking some sad sack for their hard luck story, not singing. Katy said, "This is not a Lifetime movie, sweetheart!" Kara had no withering retort of course. Or she did and they just didn't show her saying, "I know you are but what am I?"

Didn't see Kristin Chenoweth's turn. I'm guessing she was perky.

Avril Lavigne was God awful. How can she judge talent when she can't even spell her own last name? It's L-e-v-i-n-e. She wore a devil hood. C-r-e-t-i-n.

For what inexplicable reason did they bring the vacuous Victoria Beckham back? They didn't have to pay for a meal per diem? She wore her hair back and in a bun and looked like Olive Oyl with bad eye shadow.

But the worst ever was Joe Jonas. Proving his only talent is being in the Lucky Sperm Club, he just sat like a slug. For the longest time I thought he was just Kara's blow up doll. But then I always figured Kara was just Simon's blow up doll.

The auditions were what you expected. Does every 23 year old contestant have an 8-year-old child? Is it possible to get put through to Hollywood if you haven't had a near death experience?

If this is a singing competition why did Ms. DioGuardi and Ms. Oyl make one contestant take his shirt off? If they're going to do that, just put Tallulah Morehead on the panel.

And while we're on the subject, I don't think the judges gave the guy wearing a bikini fair consideration.

One recent contestant was asked to tell the judges something interesting about himself. He said, "I like cheese." When pressed, he also casually revealed that his mother had kidnapped as a child and they spent his formative years running and hiding. But I want to get back to that cheese thing.

One night a hopeful just wailed painfully. No lyrics, no melody, just screeching. Ms. Oyl complimented him on his choice of song. No wonder they want her to guest on The View.

Note to the 10,000 hopefuls in Los Angeles who desperately hope to get a trip to Hollywood -- you're fucking in Hollywood!!

Meanwhile, a girl from Florence, Italy flew all the way to Denver for an audition. She couldn't go the ones in Boston and New York? Anyway, she is off to Hollywood -- probably with a layover in Taiwan.

Thank God we've arrived at Hollywood Week. I hear talk that the other Jonas Brothers wanna guest judge.

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