03/07/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

American Idol : Hollywood Week

Aloha from Hawaii. I'm too busy hula dancing and killing wild boar to watch this week's American Idol but the show has gotten so formulaic that I think I can review it even without seeing it. Tell me how right I was.

It's Hollywood Week. I understand they've made some format adjustments, adding more time to this portion of the series. I guess producers realized a whole hour of just watching people walking down a long hallway to be told they're in or out wasn't as spellbinding as they had imagined.

So here's what I think I missed:

Shots of the excited kids getting off planes. By the end of the show most will be eliminated and humiliated.

Simon gives them all a speech about how this will be the most rigorous, pressure-packed week of their lives. Think Missiles of October but with Motown songs. Five kids crack just from the speech.

Simon will warn them not to forget the words. At least twenty will. Over such Sondheim-worthy intricate lyrics as "Na na hey hey, Kiss him Goodbye."

Three people will be sick. But they will sing anyway, proving that heroes still exist.

Simon will collectively rip the kids a new asshole.

The new judge will be at odds with Simon. And those flare ups will serve as every tease going into breaks as producers try to create this trumped-up feud and bogus controversy.

Ryan will be right off stage to interview the apoplectic kids who have just screwed up. Many many many tears.

Plenty of hotel footage and rehearsal for when they have to sing in groups. Everyone will be up all night and nerves will be frayed. They will call it inhuman. I call it college.

We'll see many losers call home. Their moms will all say "That's okay, baby. We love you." More tears. Losers then all say the important thing is their families. Half will take the opportunity to stay in Hollywood as runaways.

At least three losers will say it was a positive experience because they learned a lot about themselves. These are the people who might show up dead at Paula's house.

A minimum of two losers will go back on stage and humiliate themselves groveling for another chance. The judges will not be moved.

That incredibly annoying girl from open auditions who laughed like a raving loon will be eliminated and will blame everybody and everything but herself.

Bikini Girl will not be as talented in clothes. But who is?

There will be a big scene of the four judges arguing over Polaroids of the contestants. This will mean nothing since the producers ultimately decide who goes on and who does not. If Simon actually decided there would be fifteen willowy blondes and David Archelleta.

A few will sing horribly but still move on because they're (a) kooky, (b) cute, (c) blind, or (d) have just come from a loved one's funeral.

And finally, we will be told this is the most talented group of kids they've ever had on American Idol. It's the same thing they said last year with Jason Castro in the top ten.

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