04/10/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

I'm All A-Twitter

I use Twitter to alert my followers of new blog posts and occasionally a tidbit or two extra about one of the posts. But I can see I'm not using this social network for its intended purpose - to bore the crap out of my readers by sharing the minutiae of my daily life. So now I'm in the spirit as you will plainly see. Here's a preview of my Tweets for tomorrow. If you don't follow me already you will be by the time you finish this.


Woke up. Had to pee.

Peed for 41 seconds.

Can't find my toothbrush. Is it in the medicine cabinet?


Will brush teeth tomorrow.

??????????? Special K or Raisin Bran??????

Wow. Thanks to the 437 of you who voted. Raisin Bran it is!!!

Raisin Bran raisins are dry. Has anyone else noticed this?

375 do. Sweet!!!

What happens if the Microwave won't turn off?

Welcome new followers: BF, Ice9, BigBadWolfestein, Ten2Life, GetWellJack, and Ann Coulter.

Drawing a bath.

Microwave answer: it explodes.

Writing blog post on lack of German comedy writers while waiting for fire department.

We need a Dunky D in LA!

Okay, the fire's out but they didn't have to use the axe.

Mail just arrived. AT&T bill for $125.90, Warner-Cable bill for $94.02, Cialis from Canada, foreclosure notice, Emmy magazine, charity, charity, charity, charity, jury duty final notice, charity, Self magazine, rejection form letter from the New Yorker, Victoria Secrets catalog, NRA newsletter, Malinov-Silverman mortuary flyer, Shortbus DVD -- Netflix, Betty Ford Center patient application, shuffleboard tournament invite, charity, and a post card from my cousin Ira who's in

Don't you hate it when you have too many words and they just cut you off?


Making a tuna sandwich for lunch. I like it with relish. Do you?

Kitchen is still kind of smoky. Can't see. Maybe I better go out.

Had to pee first. 29 seconds.

Ann Coulter just wrote that we should invade hostile countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity. We weren't punctilious about locating and punishing only Hitler and his top officers. We carpet-bombed German cities; we killed civilians. That's war. And this is war. And yes, gotta have relish.

ESPN sportscenter is on at Jerry's Deli. I'm watching.

They had a story on A-Rod. Now they have one on the Celtics. I don't know what though. The sound is down. Does anybody know what that story is?

Jerry's Deli is expensive.

OMG! Forget to turn the bath water off. House is now flooded.

Changed my Facebook picture. Taken at Star Trek convention. I'm the Klingon on the right.

Does anyone who lives near me have a bucket?

House appears to be destroyed. Mood: sad.

Missing BREAKING BAD marathon on AMC tonight. Mood: REALLY sad.

Found toothbrush. It just floated by.

Can I stay with anyone tonight?



I'm not kidding here.

437 of you voted on my fucking cereal choice but no one can spare a goddamn couch?!!!

I can't believe this!!!!

Who gives a shit what the fucking Celtics story was? Jesus Christ! I'm homeless!!!



I piss on you all. 58 seconds.


You can sign up for Ken's Twitter here:
And read his blog here: