12/04/2008 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Sacrificing My Blog for Obama and the Good of the World

I try not to be political on this blog. Whenever I do it usually results in a flood of angry comments. How dare I take a day away from reviewing INSTANT BEAUTY PAGEANT or plugging my seminar to inflict my personal beliefs on people! I can usually count on ten livid people writing that they will never read my blog again. A month later they're back. The chance that I might profile Kat Dennings again is too great to miss.

It's silly to try to convince you to vote for my candidate. Comedy writers with blogs don't have the sway they did thirty years ago.

I'd like to say study the issues and decide for yourself but so many people in this country are so incredibly stupid to suggest that would be irresponsible. How someone performs on SNL should not be your determining factor in selecting the next leader of the free world. And studying the issues does not mean spending a half hour on YouTube. Radio gabmeisters like Rush Limbaugh say "let me do the thinking for you." Let me ask, how has that worked out for you?

So I won't tell you who to vote for. But on this crucial day in our country and world's future I do have some suggestions for both parties.


Don't be complacent. Don't just listen to the polls, figure your vote doesn't matter, and pass it up to go to Costco. Especially in the swing states. Even if it's inconvenient, you have to wait in line, and the neighbor behind you is the scumbag who put all those naked statues on his front lawn.


This is your last chance to tell Floridians they can vote by phone. It's your final opportunity to send out flyers in Virginia saying election day has been moved to Wednesday. Maintain flipping early votes from their guy to yours as you're doing in Charleston. Have your Party Chairman continue to pressure the Attorney General of Nevada to bar certain voters. Keep lobbying Indiana to toss out early ballots. See that citizens who moved in Georgia are suddenly ineligible to vote. Be ready to hack into e-voting machines like you did in 2004. Spearhead moving polling places from poor neighborhoods.

Step up those robocalls!

You only have a few hours to spread the word that your opponent is a Marxist, Socialist, terrorist, illegal alien, Streisand loving, anti-American, who is soft on crime, hard on Israel, has six kids out of wedlock, and has never liked TOUCH BY AN ANGEL. Get busy.

May the best candidate win... and have his votes be counted.

I bet I get more hate mail from this than that time I said something nice about Patty Heaton.

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