THE BLOG
05/01/2007 01:18 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

The D.C. Madam's Defense Trial

The D.C. Madam, Deborah Jeane Palfrey, believes that by outing her clients they will rally to her defense. Interesting logic.

INT. COURTROOM - DAY

A lawyer is questioning a witness.

LAWYER
Now senator, just tell us what happened on the night -

SENATOR
Day. It was my lunch hour.

LAWYER
On the day in question.

SENATOR
First let me state that there was no sex involved. I merely received a massage.

LAWYER
From who, senator?

SENATOR
(pointing) That young lady, there. Erotica.

LAWYER
The court will note the senator is pointing to the young lady in hot pants, leather boots, nurses cap, chewing gum.

SENATOR
That's a licensed nurse's hat.

LAWYER
Duly noted. So how did you find her?

SENATOR
Lovely. Just look at her.

LAWYER
No. How did you procure her, senator?

SENATOR
Oh. I was looking for massage therapists in the yellow pages and just selected her at random. 1-800-RUB-MEE.

LAWYER
And she came to your office?

SENATOR
No. The office is a little small. I'm a junior senator. But that day I was house-sitting a friend's condo.

LAWYER
He was out of town.

SENATOR
Working late.

LAWYER
Go on.

SENATOR
We met at noon and both took off our clothes.

LAWYER
The masseuse too?

SENATOR
She didn't want me to feel self-conscious.

LAWYER
You didn't find that unprofessional?

SENATOR
I did and asked her to please keep on the hat.

LAWYER
I assume she brought her own massage table.

SENATOR
Actually, in her rush to be on time she said she forgot it.

LAWYER
So what did you use?

SENATOR
Fortunately, there was a bed in the condo.

LAWYER
She then began the massage.

SENATOR
Well, not right away. We had a glass of wine first.

LAWYER
Why, senator?

SENATOR
She said I seemed tense.

LAWYER
Isn't that what the massage was for?

SENATOR
I asked that too and she said if I didn't shut up she would consider me a bad boy and punish me.

LAWYER
Which you didn't want.

SENATOR
We're talking Monday, the 12th? No. All I could afford that day was the massage.

LAWYER
Did she actually give you the massage?

SENATOR
Yes. She performed it. But no sex. Legally, as long as I am on my stomach we are both allowed to be naked. And remember, technically she wasn't - the hat and all.

LAWYER
So describe the massage for this court.

SENATOR
First she started working on my pecs and chest.

LAWYER
I thought you were on your stomach.

SENATOR
I was. At all times.

LAWYER
Then where was she?

SENATOR
Under me.

LAWYER
And you didn't find this unusual?

SENATOR
I told you. I couldn't afford to speak up.

LAWYER
And how long did this go on for?

SENATOR
Three minutes the first time, and twelve minutes the second.

LAWYER
I see. And now you no longer employ Ms... uh... Erotica.

SENATOR
No. Not since the shocking charges.

LAWYER
And what do you do now for massages?

SENATOR
I've begun going to Margaritaville, who - before you get any ideas - is a licensed practitioner of the full body Belize massage method. And unlike Erotica, is very thorough. I've used her six times. Not once did she forget the hammock.

LAWYER
No further questions, Your Honor.

SENATOR
I appreciate this opportunity to set the record straight. And I'm sure the other 985 witnesses feel the same way.

THE (HAPPY) END


You can read more from Ken at kenlevine.blogspot.com