I'll never forget the time my mom texted me "lol." My mother is a retired teacher who enjoys nothing more than correcting my grammar. The fact that she embraced a (gasp) chat acronym was nothing short of a miracle. It was also a little bit mortifying to me. Like the time I texted my dad a photo of my new baby blue Wayfarers and he called me a "hip hipster." (OK, maybe "lol" wasn't THAT bad. Hip hipster still makes me shudder.) She's also obsessed with Emojis and used to text the smiling poop dude constantly until she found out that it was not, in fact, a "sweet little chocolate kiss." Plus, she's obsessed with taking selfies now. (See above.) I swear, she's one step away from telling me she "can't even" or making a Vine of herself twerking. When that happens, please send puppies and M&Ms. I will need them. Actually, just send those anyway.
But, that's what moms are for, right? They embarrass us, they challenge us, they make us squirm because they love us so hard and with such fervor. And as embarrassing as they can be, mostly, they're great. Who else will listen to you complain for an hour about not being able to find lace shorts that don't make your legs look like doily sausages? Who else will tell you it's their loss when you're rejected by a boy or a friend or a publisher or a bulldog at the dog park? Who else remembers fondly the dance routine you made up to "Cool Rider" from Grease 2 and will tell you with a straight face that it was a very good performance?
You know exactly who. Or whom? I don't know, but I'm sure my mom will tell me when she reads this.
I say we forgive our moms for being such, you know, moms. I've made a handy list of six things to forgive mom for. Hey, it's a start.
1. For not buying you that pair of purple acid-washed Guess jeans in 4th grade.
Look, first of all, she probably did you a favor. You were gonna wear them with your glitter pink Hello Kitty shirt. You would've looked like a walking Sanrio store on steroids. Second, kids grow fast. Those expensive, unpractical, only-go-with-one-silly-Hello Kitty shirt things would be too short in about a week. True, it would've been a miraculous week full of awesomeness, but give your mom a break. She had better things to spend her money on, like all those Pop Tarts you ate while pretending to do your homework.
2. For making you take piano lessons. Or guitar lessons. Or flute lessons.
Now that you're an adult, you know that kids don't always know what they want or what's best for them. If your mom had left it up to you, you definitely would have spent your entire childhood watching reruns of "Fraggle Rock" and putting sprinkles on various snack foods and calling them "Fairy" whatever, like "Fairy Twinkie" and "Fairy Cheetos" and "Fairy Bagel Bites." She did you a favor by getting you out of the house and encouraging you to learn something. Whether you still play guitar or just nod along at concerts, at least you know a drum solo from a bass line.
3. For bragging about your dance trophy/field day blue ribbon/perfect attendance to anyone in earshot.
Look, we all need a cheerleader, whether we know it or not. Sure, maybe she shouldn't have announced to the entire food court at the mall that you were a "Shakespeare savant" when you had three teensy lines in As You Like It. But, give the lady a break; she's proud. No one in your life will ever be as proud of you again. So, let it go, Shakespeare. If thou doth suckest it up, thou wilst be merrier... or something.
4. For not letting you get a pet monkey. Or pony. Or gerbil.
I know. You really really needed a pet pony named Fancybutt, but guess what? Your mom had her hands full with a job, your little sister, the Cocker Spaniels and your dad. She didn't want to have to take care of Fancybutt too. Get over it. You're an adult now. You can go adopt a pig, a ferret, a goat and a hairless cat and name them Fancybutt 1, 2, 3 and 4 if you want to.
5. For showing your naked baby pictures to every single person you've ever dated.
OK, that was pretty embarrassing. All eight times. But, the lady did give birth to you and change your diapers and French braid your hair every morning of 6th grade because you wanted to look more "sophisticated." Give her a break. Let her show off that sweet baby butt. Next time, might I suggest pairing this amazing experience with margaritas? Tequila goes well with humiliation.
6. For not letting you wear makeup until years after all of your friends mastered the smoky eye.
This is a toughie. I still haven't mastered the smoky eye and I have a deep-seated belief that if I'd gotten to wear makeup WHEN I WAS 10 LIKE I WANTED TO, I'd be a master by now. I mean, clearly, right? However, you can't blame your mom for putting off the inevitable as long as she could. She wanted to keep you a kid forever. She would've bought you all the purple jeans and Fancybutts your heart desired to keep you from growing up. But, the thing is, she did let you grow up and she still loves you just as much as she ever did. And here you are out in the world being all kinds of adult-y and awesome. Maybe mom didn't do such a bad job after all. But, it's still OK every once in a while if you text her a poop Emoji. Hey, at least you texted!