03/10/2013 03:46 pm ET

Childish Dialogue

Most of my friends from Boston have kids. The only time I am around kids is when I go home to visit. It's impossible to see childhood friends with kids and not think about having my own. I don't know if I would make a good mother. I can't talk to kids. It drives me nuts that they ask questions that they can't possibly understand the answer to.

They think every adult has kids.

Kid: "Where are your kids?"
Me: "I don't have any."
Kid: "Why?"
Me, answering honestly: "I've gotten away with so much, I think it would give God a perfect opportunity to punish me for the rest of my life."
Kid with a blank look: "You want to build a fort?"
Me: "Only if my input is valued, last time we didn't use any of my ideas."
Kid decides to look for new, easygoing, fun people to play.

The new one is:

Kid: "How come you don't have a husband?"
Me: "Because I believe everybody deserves to be happy."
Kid struggling to keep practicing his language skills: "Auntie Kendra..."
Me, interrupting: "I'm not your aunt, I'm your mother's friend."
Kid runs away

The best one so far:

Kid: "Where do you work?"
Me: "In New York."
Kid: "What's a boob job?"
Me: "Um, I don't know."
Kid: "My dad said he thought you had a boob job but my mom said no"
Me: "No, I don't have a boob job."
Kid: "What kind of job do you have?"
Me: "A shitty one."
Kid: "That's a bad word"
Me: "Oh, please, give me a break."
Kid becomes very interested in something across the room and waddles away.

I always end up in the kids free area of the backyard near the grill and cooler, patting the dog and wondering why my friend's husband said I had a boob job.

Rationalizing it in my favor "I guess my boobs look unusually good in this tight, low-cut, not really made for a family party, shirt!"

Good to know.

Thanks for listening!



Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn't settle. To see more from her, visit: and