01/02/2013 06:55 pm ET Updated Mar 04, 2013

How to Squash a Budding Relationship in 48 Hours or Less

A friend recently met a new man on Friday night and proceeded to call me all weekend filling me in on various pieces of information she gathered about him, unintentionally sharing the highs and lows of waiting for his next moment of communication, and ultimately deciding she wasn't interested in pursuing things after all. All in the course of one weekend and she never had to leave the house. I wrote this for her.

First, have your own specific expectations that you keep top secret. This is integral. You must have a preconceived notion of how the next 48 hours should go, i.e. "he should call me ON THE PHONE and ask me a lot of questions so I feel like he's interested. No texting." A nice old-fashioned telephonic courtship is always a good way to set him up for failure. Or if you know he's heading to the airport, you can hold tight to physically unrealistic goals, "He should contact me before 6 p.m. my time, and make a plan for this week, no matter what his location may be. If he really likes me he'll find someone else to spend time with his mother and do what is really important, spend time with me." The more your foreshadowing is based on fairytale like values, the better. This behavioral criterion is not to be shared with anyone, until the 48 hours is over and his actions have clearly shown you -- he's not the one. Then you can share your internal benchmarks as evidence of his inability to be chivalrous.

Next, clear your calendar. Make sure you have absolutely nothing to do for the next 48 hours. You will need every minute of every hour to analyze any data available whether it's online or via word of mouth, start gathering info. What do people know about this guy? Don't just take info at face value; listen to the cadence and tone of their voice as they say it. It's usually the most important information that is only found between the lines. Take liberties with interpretations. An "I don't really know the guy" can just as easily mean "He's a player but you're a nut so I'm not saying a damn thing." An "I think he has a girlfriend" clearly means "He's hot and I want him so I want you to think he's unavailable." Nice try.

Make sure to have the phone beside you at all times. Check it constantly so every minute he doesn't contact you, hurts. You want to prepare yourself for that final 47th hour when you have to throw in the towel and give up on this guy. Take the lack of contact as an emotional assault.
Escape reality. You're starting to sense your sentimental speculation is waning. Take something. Wine. Tylenol PM. Ambien. Whatever you have. Sleep for as many hours as possible. Seriously, if you can sleep for 15 hours, do it. Get as far away from the situation as possible without actually leaving the house. He might stop by.

When you come to, check all means of communication. Scrutinize his Facebook page. He made a status update. Hmm, he has time for Facebook but not for you. Your first fight is brewing. Now you're starting to see the real him. The dickhead. The unreliable, self engrossed jerk. The side you couldn't see through your veil of amorous projections.

Call a friend, bite your tongue and don't mention how poorly your relationship is going. Play it cool. If she offers unsolicited information, listen but don't respond. You don't want to blow your "I'm losing my mind" cover. No matter what, don't believe a word she says. She might want him too.

Call it off. Enough is enough. You can't trust this guy. He's busy all weekend? Please! You're calling the shots. Text him "I got engaged!" Make it seem like a mass text. Wait and see if this rude bastard congratulates you.

Knowing him, he won't!

Go back to bed.

Thanks for listening!


Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn't settle.

twitter @kendracomedy