01/16/2013 12:57 pm ET

Plus One

People think of me as a good wedding date. My guy friends see Plus One and they think "Kendra has nobody. She'll go." For many years I would accept invitations to be a wedding date because I was flattered people saw me as good formal date material. I was a people pleaser. Not anymore. Recently, I was asked to be a date for a wedding back home in Boston. I wanted to reply honestly and say:

"Hmm, that depends.

Are you asking me to buy a new, expensive dress that won't fit me quite right? Then spend the night meeting a boatload of people I will never see again, although I will reveal a hideous amount of personal information to them in a short period of time, including (and this is in no way an exhaustive list):

-where I'm from
-where my family is currently
-what I do
-what I used to do
-what I want to do
-my relationship (status, history and wants)
-any kids

Is that the offer?

When I get there, shall I pound an extensive variety of drinks in quick succession just to convince myself that my 80s foot-shuffling dance techniques trump any 22 year-old's droppin' it like it's hot medley? All the while celebrating the most important day in a complete and utter stranger's life, all before I have to jump back on a bus to New York less than 24 hours later?"

What I did say was "I respectfully decline."

I don't even want to go to weddings I get invited to.

Wedding hosts should get a little video clip of the moment invitees receive the wedding invitation in the mail.

For me, it would look like this:

I'm rifling through a pile of mail, I come across a high quality paper envelope addressed in olde English calligraphy. My face says "Crap! Only lovebirds practice calligraphy."

Audibly I say "C'mon, what the hell is this? You gotta be shitting me!

No I do not want to bring a guest. I do not have a guest. If I had a guest I would definitely be busy on a vacation with said guest on the very date of the wedding. Most likely me and my guest would be in a third world country, doing good stuff for people in need. We'd definitely be too busy. We'd be a very busy couple."

Don't friggin' invite me and a guest. It's like a personal challenge...

"Hey -- you got six weeks to find a guy to ask out on a rigid date that will last approximately 10 hours and take place in another state -- good luck! And... oh yeah, it'll cost you at least 500 bucks. Here is a link to our gift registry. There is a small viewing charge and then a hundred dollar minimum. You're really important to us! Even though we sent the invitation to an apartment you haven't lived in for years, and invited you "and guest" despite knowing that you have had nothing but meaningless passing flings for the past two years. Two years, the exact length of time it took us to meet, fall in love, and decide to spend the rest of our lives together, what a coincidence!"

I don't check the mail anymore.

Thanks for listening!

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn't settle.
twitter @kendracomedy