05/17/2013 06:57 pm ET Updated Jul 17, 2013

21st Century Philosophers: Pink

Getty Images

Celebrities are very good at love and relationships. Everyone knows their divorce rate is much lower than that of the general population -- something about the bright lights of fame must be conducive to spending year after year with the same loved one.

That's why it's so important to listen to their advice about love. Take Pink, for example. She's been famous for a decade now... so clearly she's learned a lot about love -- and life. We should all pay attention to what she has to say and heed her advice.

"If you can think of 20 things you want in a person, make sure you have them too."

Ok, if you're ready to follow the gospel according to Pink, the first thing to do is think of 20 things you want in a person. If you can only think of things like "someone who is kind," or "a good sense of humor," you're not trying hard enough. Get specific. Specify family lineage, physical characteristics, and profession. If you get done and you're not at 20 yet, take a crack at the person's name. I'd pick something common -- like John Doe. If you pick Evelyn Rosemary Wyatt III you might be setting your bar a little too high, even by Pink's standards.

Ok, step one down. You know everything you want in a potential mate. Congratulations!

Now you just have to make sure that you possess all the qualities that you wrote down on the paper. You'll see why I suggested saving the name for a last resort. I see you eyeing your eraser, but don't cheat the Pink system. You can't go back and scratch things out now -- it's too late. Get down to the courthouse and change your name. Some day you'll be the awkward couple at a parent teacher's conference. "...You're...both named John Henry?"

I'm glad we didn't dilly dally in making this list, because it's going to take some time to acquire all of the qualities that you want in someone else.

You might have some of them already... like "hot," "kind," or "of above average intelligence." But I imagine others, like "from a foreign country," or "no kids from a previous marriage" might be harder for certain individuals to replicate.

Good luck if finding a mate with the genitalia of the opposite sex is really important to you. You've got some work to do.