THE BLOG
08/18/2014 08:45 am ET Updated Oct 18, 2014

Texas Gov. Rick Perry Indicted for Wearing Hipster Glasses

Austin, Texas-- Gov. Rick Perry was indicted today on a felony count -- not for abuse of his power as governor -- but for wearing hipster glasses designed to make him look smarter and more sophisticated than he really is.

The investigation centered on Perry's sudden public appearances wearing nerd-chic eyeglasses about two months ago.

"For weeks we have been following Gov. Rick Perry as he has worn those ridiculous-looking professorial eyeglasses at state functions and political appearances. It was determined that the only reason he wore the dark-rimmed, slightly nerdy eyewear was so he would appear more intelligent to the electorate. For this reason, we have decided to indict him," read part of the state jury indictment.

Perry's critics have asserted that he has abused his veto power as governor, but the investigation determined that that was just a smokescreen.

"Not since the episode of the Andy Griffith Show where Gomer Pyle's cousin Goober grows a beard to appear to be an intellectual have we seen such an abuse of sartorial power," the indictment continues. "It is our desire that Perry abandon those hipster glasses and, heaven help us, not grow a beard."

Perry is the longest-serving governor in Texas history, but he has announced that he is not seeking re-election and will leave office in January. It has been rumored that he is considering a second run for president and has been crisscrossing the country and traveling abroad to raise his political awareness. Perry's supporters have noted that the addition of his stylish eyeglasses would boost his intellectual reputation and make him more appealing to the masses, especially the French.