I need to say something hard. Out loud. I almost want to yell it because it is uncomfortable.
I was at a Halloween party last weekend and was talking to a nice and attractive gentleman I had just met. Being playful and a little Champagney (Yes, that is a word. Stop judging me!), I asked him to tell me three things about himself. He was clever and lovely. When he turned the question around on me, which doesn't always happen, I went into the struggle in my mind of being absolutely real vs. looking awesome. I wrestle with this a lot. I like looking awesome.
I don't even recall exactly what I said, but after one of them he said. "That was a bit vulnerable, thank you."
I smiled and was relieved that he acknowledged that, because here is the truth.
This is effing hard for me.
As a life coach, part of me really loves to be this online presence that doles out smart thoughts about love and talks about adventure and travel. It is safe. Not necessarily easy, but safe.
My coaching also feeds into that. Sliding into the comfort of always asking the questions. Of exploring without being explored. That is what my clients pay me for, so I can easily justify it. However, I can't deny that it has bled into my personal life, too. Into my friendships and even dating.
I can't help but notice that after a while, I have stopped sharing my own stories, fears and dreams. I just keep them to myself in a way I never did before. So if I fail, no one really knows. I fail a lot, by the way. You probably didn't know that. Because I like to look awesome.
So here are some not-so-awesome things about me I want to share with you:
I am slightly obsessed with teen TV shows, books and movies. I totally contributed to the Veronica Mars Movie Kickstarter campaign. In the past, I would even go out of my way to go to opening weekend of a teen flick, where I sometimes eat popcorn and Milk Duds at the same time so it tastes like caramel corn.
This makes me a little dorky. I am not for everyone and that is okay.
I make up words and not very good ones. Hello, Champagney?
Yup, I do that. I am not for everyone and that is okay.
When I am passionate about something (such as love and healthy relationships), I swear like a sailor. My mother is not proud and I am pretty sure that my grandmother is turning over in her grave every time I drop the f-bomb. Which is a lot.
Some people are offended by it. I am not for everyone and that is okay.
For better or for worse, I refuse to take life so seriously. I tend to lean towards a more fun and playful existence. That is not to say that I am not evolving, learning and growing every day. I just am not interested in buying a house or settling down in the way that many people are.
Some people think that is immature. I am not for everyone and that is okay.
I love being a life coach for singles and relationships. I want to do it forever. Some people think it is a joke, and have no problem telling me or making passive-aggressive comments on Facebook or my blog about it. That feels like crap.
Some people don't get it or even try. I am not for everyone and that is okay.
I am pretty goofy and seven layers of ridiculous on a daily basis. I break out into song in public sometimes, have been known to play Marco Polo in a store and am inappropriate pretty regularly.
Sometimes people think I am embarrassing. I am not for everyone and that is okay.
I mostly listen to a lot of eclectic indie music, but sometimes I listen to Top 40. I have the new Justin Timberlake on repeat on my work playlist. Wait. I am listening to it right now! Selena Gomez is next. (Notice that they are both previous Disney TV stars?!)
Some people judge me for digging on mainstream music and are above it. I am not for everyone and that is okay.
Curiosity is my driver. I can get bored easily, so I feel it is my responsibility to choose wisely about who I let into my life and spend time with. I never want to hurt anyone, but I have.
This is a challenge for me and makes me look fickle. I am not for everyone and that is okay.
I secretly love sci-fi and fantasy and really want to go to Comic Con. I am currently watching past episodes of Doctor Who, as well as numerous sci-fi shows on Netflix, like Lost Girl. They soothe me.
My inner nerd is strong. I am not for everyone and that is okay.
I am messy and not proud of this quality. It is good when I am dating someone, since it forces me to clean up regularly. I could never be with someone who is OCD. It would get bad... very quickly. We don't even want to talk about the amount I spill things. It's daily, people. Daily.
Some people can't tolerate that. I am not for everyone and that is okay.
I speak at colleges and it scares the bejeezus out of me virtually every time. I live and thrive for interaction, so speaking at people (with very little response) makes me feel like I suck. Even when people tell me I don't.
I am working on it. I am not for everyone and that is okay.
Even though I am a bit bossy in life, and certainly in my job, I love when someone calls me out on my shit. When they challenge me and make me think. Sometimes, I hope they tell me what to do when I get overwhelmed and am not sure what to do next.
I don't share that as much as I should, but I am working on it. I am not for everyone and that is okay.
I have been known to get nervous around guys I like. I get snarky and put myself in the friend zone. It is my default comfort zone with men and I have to fight it.
I am still learning about myself and what works for me. I am not for everyone and that is okay.
So Sugarpants, why am I telling you all of my crap? My quirks? My flaws?
Because the best thing that my life and business has taught me is that I am not for everyone and that is okay. Some people think I am smart, reasonably funny and refreshing. Other people probably think I am immature or annoying. I just hang out with the former rather than the latter.
Many of my clients want everyone (or almost everyone) to like them. They bend over backwards, go out of their way trying to win this attention and affection. I have one thing to say to that.
Stop doing that crap. It is killing you.
There are going to be some people you connect with who will think you are amazing. There are going to be some who just don't. That actually says very little about you and more about what you learned was acceptable behavior when you were growing up. Your acceptable and their acceptable are two different things. It just is. So no matter what you do or say, you are probably not going to change their minds. You are, however, going to lose yourself and your mind in the process looking for others to deem you worthy of love.
I am telling you these not-so-adorable things about me because I am just me. Highly flawed, but still okay. I like me and the woman I am evolving into. The best part is that I find the more I embrace me, the more the right people show up in my life. In clients, friends and even in love.
The sooner we can let go of people pleasing people who will never be pleased, we can embrace all of our shit and start surrounding ourselves with amazing people who like us, for us. That is where great love shows up. That is what we are doing here.
You are not for everyone and that is okay.
Are you single and meant to be a super hero? Grab your cape and join the League of Adventurous Singles! A weekly newsletter with activities, journal questions, checklists, cocktail recipes, Jedi mind tricks, madlibs, challenges and so much more. It is for singles interested in changing the world AND their love lives by getting offline and out of their comfort zone.
For more by Kira Sabin, click here.
For more on love and relationships, click here.