06/30/2005 12:46 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Look Mummy, There's an Airplane up in the Sky

Something occurred to me yesterday as I watched the latest installment of the brave new outer-limits, in which grown men and women fled the Capitol because an aircraft was found to be flying, of all things, in the sky.

Is this Pavlov come back to train a salivating Congress new tricks or to teach a populace the new terror alert system of “1 if by air” and “2 if by Osama?”

I can imagine Dennis Hastert, plump with plantation grits, running across the Senate floor screeching “the terrorists are coming, the terrorists are coming.”

What, really, is all of the fuss about?

I pondered this very difficult question for some time, hoping to put everyone at ease and finally concluded that the contraption flying over the Capitol, a plane with little people in it (they look really small from far away) was simply a contraption with little people in it flying over the Capitol.

My conclusion was based on the obvious, of course. After all, was it not just the other day the president informed us that “we are fighting them over there” so we don’t have to “fight them over here?” Regardless of who "them" are, he made clear that “we,” whomever we are, were really quite safe "here,” wherever here actually is.

Even our very own Dick Cheney has said he knows where Osama bin Laden is and his very own Porter Goss said much the same.

I felt even more relieved when an unnamed source, contacting me from an undisclosed location, speaking backwards in several tongues was able to confirm that in fact, the most current aircraft found to be dilly-dallying up in the sky was just delivering a pizza for Dick Cheney because the entire Halliburton fleet was simply otherwise occupied (Big Hamptons bash—shhhh).