THE BLOG
07/29/2013 04:31 pm ET Updated Sep 25, 2013

The Rights of Dogs

The following is excerpted from The Dogma of Rufus, which is currently available from Barnes & Noble, and theoretically available from Amazon, as well as many of your favorite local, independent bookstores.

"Come the Revolution"

I'm an old dog now, and my political views have moderated. And yet, sometimes my heart quickens when I hear the phrase, "Come the revolution... " Basically, my feeling is that feeding and caring for humans would not be worth the trouble. Things are better as they are. But still. On a lazy afternoon as I drift off into my midday nap, I think about those aisles in pet stores devoted to products to "control" your dog, mostly costing anywhere from $100 to $300, which are basically electronic collars that come with hand-held devices to deliver electric shocks to your dog when it does something you don't like, or doesn't do something you would like. And this is what I dream about: rounding up all the humans who made, sold, bought, or used any of these devices, and fitting them with the collars.

Once the collars are in place, dogs would then control their humans and train them, for example, not to shout, or speak too loudly. It's not that we wouldn't allow them to talk quietly among themselves, just not shout or speak harshly in a way which could disturb the dog community. They would learn soon enough. And if they had any ideas about escaping, there would be an electrified fence surrounding the property. Also, human restaurants would be replaced with dog restaurants, previously described in this book, and human resorts with dog resorts. We'd have dog newspapers and magazines, we'd celebrate Dog Day. There would be all kinds of improvements, come the revolution.