07/28/2010 03:24 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Birthday Diary of President Barack Obama

When a president has a birthday you would think the First Lady would make herself available; serenade him or at least bring him a few presents. Not in this White House. Miche has decided that she, Sasha, and Mother Robinson need some "alone time" -- in SPAIN!! During my birthday! Can't she just go to Camp David for a couple of days?

When she unveiled her plan a few nights ago I gently suggested that she stay in the continental US, and what a response I got: "The girls, mama, and me have SEEN the continental U.S... There's a whole world to explore, and judging from your poll numbers we've got only two and a half years to do it! It's educational for the girls."

"But, honey," I said. "You can't keep flitting off on these international voyages. I mean we're talking at least thirty hotel rooms, a fleet of cars, security... it's a lot of trouble to go through for you, Sasha, your mama, and a few sorority sisters."

She started gritting her teeth and I knew what was coming. "Trouble? Trouble? If I don't get out of the United States and onto more friendly soil, there's going to be trouble in this house," she screamed. "Let's make it a semi-official visit. I'll drop by the King Juan Carlos' palace, give them a few White House key chains and get back to the beach. I need to unwind before that family visit to the Gulf and the ten days in Martha's Vineyard."

In the last few months this woman has cooled her heels in Maine, Los Angeles, Chicago -- she's got a pair of holidays coming up -- and SHE needs a break!! I need a break, from all her demands.

Maybe I should just send her on a solo tour of the Middle East for a few weeks. She couldn't do any worse on the diplomatic front than Hillary. By the way I laugh when I hear people speculating that she might challenge me in 2012. She's going to topple my kingdom like Charlie Rangel is going to be head of the House Ethics Cmtee... Actually, on second thought, that's not a bad idea!