I was recently asked by a friend to join her and a group of moms for a night out. Let me tell you, the entire evening was an experience... and not in the way I had hoped or anticipated. To me, an evening out with the girls means a good dinner, a nice glass of wine, lots of fun and interesting chatter, and possibly a bit of music or innocent dancing thrown into the mix. Those evenings are a means of relaxing, rejuvenating and remembering who you are outside of your normal routines, obligations, and roles... or so I thought. This evening was none of that... rather, it resembled a "bitch-fest" of seemingly unhappy, middle-aged moms who spent much of the evening complaining about their marriages, their unmotivated kids, and the chore of having to have sex with their husbands. The conversation was all rather scary, I must admit.
Even scarier and, more so, sad were the practices these women regularly adopted to circumvent time under the sheets with their partners... the top five of the night being:
1. Purposely belaboring chores to eat up available time with hubby in the bedroom
2. Using the "kids" as barriers to "alone" time between spouses
3. Faking sleep or falling asleep quickly so as to make yourself unapproachable
4. Staying out late with a girlfriend then slipping into bed without being heard
5. Working late
And when all else fails, get drunk then grin and bear it!
Such was the prevalent attitude amongst these ladies when it came to sex and their spouses. To that same end, to assume that these women are alone in their thinking is to be naïve. Numerous women have lost that loving feeling for their mates and the many reasons for this span the gamut -- from realistic to fantasy.
That said, to propose solutions to these particular moms' marital issues based on the limited information conveyed to me at the time is not the intent of this blog... nor do I believe it is my place to do. My reason for recanting my evening is to discuss how far many of us still need to travel when it comes to "cumming" to put it bluntly.
Many, many women still adopt the perspective that "sex" is for the man so to speak... with women ranking second in satisfaction, excitement, fulfillment and joy. Archaic... yes, but none-the-less real -- just as real as the harm this attitude causes marriages. Rather than a shared moment of bonding derived from the most vulnerable of places a human being can arrive from -- one's soul -- then translated forth into the most glorious and caring of physical acts, sex takes on a tainted façade, riddled with obligation and resentment given this old-fashioned mentality... a state of mind that isn't always reflective of age but understanding.
No doubt, the messages women grow up with -- including the indirect ones moms emit throughout their daughters' youths -- dramatically influence their daughters' eventual perspectives on sex. If those messages arise from a negative place, so might their daughters' down the line. What will also resonate is the unhappiness outside of the bedroom that is dictating the unhappiness within. I don't think any mom wants to inadvertently demonstrate discontent as all that can be expected from sex and marriage by their daughters down the line -- whether married two years or 22 years.
Now, keep in mind, "mother's influence" is not the only external influence impacting our daughters' views on the importance of truly relishing sex for herself. The list of external factors runs deep. I am not pointing fingers solely at moms nor am I confusing or condoning "free, easy, and irresponsible sex" by our daughters' with the healthy attitudes we should be fostering in them as we oversee their sexual emergence. I also don't feel that this aspect of sex should become part of our "in-school curriculum."
What I am saying is that moms are key figures in their daughters' lives and just as they learn how to be women from us -- mainly from observation alone -- they will also ascertain the importance of sex to their personal happiness, overall health, lives, and even marriages. If for nothing else, moms really need adopt attitudes about sex that will serve our daughters well as oppose to those I saw the other night. Banishing our daughters to lives of unsatisfying sex alongside attitudes that work against happy marriages isn't something any mother should be proud of in the raising of a daughter. Yet, it happens every day as my prior evening attests to. Needless-to-say, I feel for the daughters of the moms previously mentioned as I can't emphasize enough the damage these women are unknowingly causing their daughters given they walk back through their doors with the same attitudes they displayed to me.
That said, I also feel for these moms as well as all women who maintain similar attitudes to theirs. To live lives dreading sex with our husbands is to forgo the sexual excitement, intimacy, love, and bonding we, women, need to nourish ourselves and make us feel whole. We equally rob our husbands of the same, mind you, which is neither fair nor advantageous to lifelong unity.
In light of this, I suggest all women -- especially moms -- reclaim our bedrooms as preferential spaces in our homes beyond just storing clothes, applying makeup, and sleeping. While doing this, I also recommend we commit to reprioritizing our personal sexual satisfaction to a heightened position -- forgoing the excuses and enacting solutions (both inside and outside the bedroom) that will have ourselves and our partners coming back for more. No doubt, the benefits will uncover themselves in ways well beyond the covers you and your partner share -- including increasing the honesty you both founded your relationship upon in the first place, strengthening your family, and helping to ensure that your daughters seek similar happiness for themselves in the future.
The impact on our sons... well, that's a whole other blog to be written.