01/29/2009 05:12 am ET Updated Nov 17, 2011

New Year's Resolutions I Won't Be Making

I will not resolve to:

Lose 10 pounds. When I do, I don't. So if I don't, maybe I will.

Quit smoking. Why should I? I don't smoke.

Learn Spanish. It's too damn late. I can't even remember English.

Learn to play the piano. See above. I can take up the kazoo.

Stop watching The Housewives of Orange County. We all need a little trash in our lives.

Become a vegetarian. I resolve this almost every January 1. And then I crave a lamb chop January 2 and hold it in my hands by January 3.

Drink soy milk. I dislike any food that means "I am" in Spanish. (Maybe I will change my mind on #2.)

Finish reading An Inconvenient Truth. I should, but I haven't yet.

Throw out my old sweater with a hole in it that people point out when I wear it. Who cares? We're supposed to cut back.

Eat light cheese. I love heavy cheese. I'd rather gain weight (see # 1).

Stop traveling. I will never do that. Nada. Nope. Off the table. Beats drinking, I think.

Brush my cat and clip her nails more. My cat bites me when I do these. I don't like bites. She'll have to remain shaggy and sharp.

Floss more. I always resolve this. It's trite. Maybe I'll floss my cat's teeth more. Then they will be clean if she bites me when I brush and clip her.

Sleep eight hours. Six will do. So much to do, so little time.

Drink eight glasses of water. What's so special about the number eight anyway?

Stay friends with people who think Sarah Palin could be a fine president. Why?

Stop going to Huffpost ten times a day. Impossible.