Attributed to a savvy Native American: Only a white man could be dumb enough to think he can make a blanket longer by cutting a piece off one end and sewing it on the other.
I'm tired! Daylight Saving Time (DST -- also called "Daylight Savings Time") resumed at 2 a.m. Sunday. Clocks moved ahead an hour, allowing for more waking sunlight hours through the summer.
A bit of back story: Europe started DST to conserve fuel during World War I, and many countries now observe a form of "summer time." America adopted the idea from 1918 to 1919 and again in World War II, but now leaves time-change up to state and local governments. Hawaii, American Samoa, Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands opted out.
I know, I know. In November we'll readjust the clock for fewer winter daylight hours. But right now, the most important thing in the entire world is to make up for that precious, delicious, much-needed, TRULY IMPORTANT lost hour of sleep!
If desperate to regain that hour, here are 10 compensating strategies for the next few days:
1--Eat dinner in five minutes or less, standing up. Do not use utensils or worry about food groups or calories. Hot dogs in buns are fastest, with onions and sauerkraut for fiber. Spray whipped cream from the can straight into your mouth for a fast and filling dessert. The time you save can be put to sleeping.
2--Do not drink anything after 6 pm. You may be thirsty from the sauerkraut and the whipped cream but you don't want to get up in the middle of the night to pee. To make up for the lost sleep due to DST, you'll need to dry out or hold it in.
3--Put your next day's clothes out, right by your bed. Do not select spandex or items with attached feet, as these take too long. Jumpsuits are fastest. Go commando. Do not bother with socks. Flip flops are easiest. Wear pants with elastic waistbands and tops with zippers. Do a trial run to see if you can dress in under a minute, and if not, drop one more item until you do.
4--Simplify night-time grooming. This routine often takes an hour if you count pimple-popping, toning, moisturizing, admiring yourself in the mirror and prancing around to a song in your head. Do not clip toenails or nose hair. Do not tweeze chin hairs. If you must shower, hop in and out in a minute, multi-tasking by peeing in the shower and exfoliating as you dry off. No shaving or hair washing. As for teeth, do not floss, and unplug the three-minute toothbrush that beeps. Just put some toothpaste on your finger and swipe around for 10 seconds, or chew gum in the shower.
5--Get into your bed an hour earlier, and relax. Do not under any circumstances think of scary things such as the financial crisis, health care, or Karl Rove. Especially do not think of the Eric Massa-Glenn Beck dialogue. You might try counting down, but forget sheep; think in terms of long lists, such as Tiger Wood's girlfriends.
6--Leave the TV off. If possible record the shows you will miss by going to bed early. If you must fall asleep with the TV on, be sure to set the snooze function, which you probably never knew you had; otherwise you might wake up to an infomercial with the Slap Chop man and have terrible nightmares.
7--Skip sex. Lack of grooming will no doubt alleviate that hour-draining activity. I know some of you don't take an hour for sex. Some of you don't even partake, in which case you're out of luck and must make up the lost DST hour in the other ways, for sure. Exception: If sex usually takes five minute or less you may indulge, as it results in deeper sleep. (But I offer sympathy and can suggest some therapists.)
8--Get deeper sleep from the hours you do have. This may mean taking a sleeping pill to knock you out. Do not take it with water. (See above, no water allowed.) And this is not suggested if you are alone. If the pill doesn't go down be sure your partner knows the Heimlich maneuver.
You can also lower the blinds to keep the light out and tie up the dog or cat so it doesn't jump on the bed. If your partner snores you can stuff one of those socks you're not wearing in his or her mouth to keep the noise from waking you up. If they stop breathing entirely have the phone right by your bed along with instructions for CPR. This may tire you out and aid in deeper sleep for both, especially for the one suffocated.
9--Skip breakfast. Since you haven't had sex and haven't expended much energy you can sleep through breakfast. (No morning sex, needless to say. This would negate the additional hour gained from no nighttime sex!). If you are famished you can toss dry cereal in your mouth as you dress.
10--Shorten and simplify your morning grooming routine. Do not use that roller to remove dandruff on your clothing. Do not brush your teeth. Skip deodorant. Do not style your hair. Do not shower (even if you have not showered the night before. Not really needed this morning unless you spent the five minutes to have sex.) Most of all, do not sit on the toilet and read until evacuated. Simply hold it in, splash water on your face and strategic areas, gargle with some mouthwash, run your fingers through your hair and jump in your easy-to- put-on clothes.
If you follow these rules you will now be sick to your stomach, dirty, ungroomed, sloppily dressed, constipated, hungry, thirsty and horny. But you will have made up the lost DST hour!
As an alternative, stay in bed a couple of mornings, preferably with a partner, and have some great sex and extra sleep. That's the best way of all to initiate Daylight Saving(s) Time.