THE BLOG
12/13/2011 10:31 pm ET Updated Feb 12, 2012

The 12 Divorced Days Of Christmas

Christmas is upon us. In fact, it was upon us right after Halloween, but that is another article. All you hear as you meander through the holly-strewn stores is Christmas music about joy and cheer, but if you are in the midst of a divorce, your joy and cheer might be in short supply.

It seems as if the divorcees of the universe are the forgotten people during the holiday season. You don't see any commercials with a single parent stringing popcorn by himself or Skyping a Merry Christmas greeting to her child and sipping a fabulous bottle of Chardonnay. And you sure as heck don't hear any Christmas tunes that address those of us who spend the holidays as a minus one. Dammit.

I've had enough! It's time to fill in the gap that divorced (or divorcing) people are falling through. As a step toward a solution, I've decided to take it upon myself to start with a little song for the holidays.

Hold onto your Santa hats, because this is going to be a doozy.

The 12 Divorced Days of Christmas

On the First Day of Christmas, my ex-spouse gave to me one signed divorce decree;

On the Second Day of Christmas, my ex-spouse gave to me two venereal diseases from the very ugly secretary,
And one signed divorce decree;

On the Third Day of Christmas, my ex-spouse gave to me three nasty text messages
Two venereal diseases,
And one signed divorce decree;

On the Fourth day of Christmas, my ex-spouse gave to me four months lack of child support
Three nasty text messages,
Two venereal diseases,
And one signed divorce decree;

On the Fifth day of Christmas my ex-spouse gave to me five faux golden showers
Four months lack of child support,
Three nasty text messages,
Two venereal diseases,
And one signed divorce decree;

On the Sixth day of Christmas, my ex-spouse gave to me six reasons for missed visitation,
Five faux golden showers,
Four months lack of child support,
Three nasty text messages,
Two venereal diseases,
And one signed divorce decree;

On the Seventh day of Christmas, my ex-spouse gave me to me seven step-kids for our children,
Six reasons for missed visitation,
Five faux golden showers,
Four months lack of child support,
Three nasty text messages,
Two venereal diseases,
And one signed divorce decree;

On the Eighth Day of Christmas, my ex-spouse gave to me eight maids he'd been milking,
Seven step kids for our children,
Six reasons for missed visitation,
Five faux golden showers,
Four months lack of child support,
Three nasty text messages,
Two venereal diseases,
And one signed divorce decree;

On the Ninth Day of Christmas, my ex-spouse gave to me nine reasons for parental alienation,
Eight maids he'd been milking,
Seven step kids for our children,
Six reasons for missed visitation,
Five faux golden showers,
Four months lack of child support,
Three nasty text messages,
Two venereal diseases,
And one signed divorce decree;

On the Tenth day of Christmas, my ex-spouse gave to me ten contempts of the divorce decree,
Nine reasons for parental alienation,
Eight maids he'd been milking
Seven step kids for our children,
Six reasons for missed visitation,
Five faux golden showers,
Four months lack of child support,
Three nasty text messages,
Two venereal diseases,
And one signed divorce decree;

On the Eleventh day of Christmas, my ex-spouse gave to me eleven nasty emails,
Ten contempts of the divorce decree,
Nine reasons for alienation,
Eight maids he'd been milking,
Seven step kids for our children,
Six reasons for missed visitation,
Five faux golden showers,
Four months lack of child support,
Three nasty text messages.
Two venereal diseases,
And one signed divorce decree;

On the Twelfth day of Christmas, my ex-spouse gave to me twelve days of thankfulness that we were no longer married,
Eleven nasty emails,
Ten contempts of the divorce decree,
Nine reasons for alienation,
Eight maids he'd been milking,
Seven step kids for our children,
Six reasons for missed visitation,
Five faux golden showers,
Four months lack of child support,
Three nasty text messages,
Two venereal diseases,
And one signed divorce decree!

So, if you're feeling alone or down and out during this holiday season, get this little jingle into rotation. If nothing else, it'll make you smile. Hang in there. As someone with a Masters degree from the University of Been There, Done That, trust me, it'll get better.