12/30/2014 07:57 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Irresolute Resolutions


In these last waning hours of 2014, I've felt my customary year-end pressure to come up with some really great resolutions for the new year, ones that will take every aspect of my life "to the next level." (I don't actually know where the next level is located, by the way, but it appears to be a popular destination among the living-large crowd, so count me in.) After looking into the mirror, into my soul and into the cosmos for guidance, I believe I am now ready to commit my goals to paper and begin my journey to unparalleled success. Following are my resolutions for 2015 as well as the key strategies I will use to accomplish each goal.

In the year 2015, I resolve to:

Do at least one thing that scares me.
Strategy: Undress in front of the mirror... with the lights on... with my eyes open.

Go someplace I've never been before.
Strategy: Clean the lint trap in my dryer.

Extend myself more.
Strategy: Move the peanut butter cups to the top shelf.

Eat out less.
Strategy: Have pizza delivered.

Eliminate frivolous spending.
Strategy: Buy vowels on Wheel of Fortune only on the really hard puzzles.

Be a better housekeeper.
Strategy: Buy lower wattage light bulbs.

Get more rest.
Strategy: Sleep at work.

Be more assertive.
Strategy: Insist on being taken advantage of.

Limit TV to educational shows.
Strategy: Mentally correct all the grammatical errors on reruns of The Nanny.

Work out religiously.
Strategy: Genuflect before picking up the remote.

Overcome road rage.
Strategy: Telecommute.

Reduce my stress level.
Strategy: Schedule a lobotomy.

See more of the people I enjoy.
Strategy: Put up more mirrors in my house.

Overcome my shallow, narcissistic desire for cosmetic surgery.
Strategy: Take down all the mirrors in my house.

Be more decisive.
Strategy: Or maybe not, I'm not really sure.

Wishing you a transformational breakthrough year that propels you all the way to the next level, wherever that turns out to be!

Photo: Depositphotos/Havanaman