05/05/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

GOP Calls For "National Day Of Foot Stamping & Lip Pursing"

National Republican leaders, frustrated by the popularity of President Barack Obama and widespread public support for his policies, vowed today to remain frustrated. The statement came in a rare show of unity that brought together Republican lawmakers, right wing talk show hosts, conservative bloggers, and several people wearing tinfoil hats, wearing roller skates and carrying tea bags.

"We're at a time of great national crisis and the vast minority of American people are clearly calling for us to obstruct, mock, and twist the President's efforts to solve the country's problems," said some official Republican douchebag. "We remain committed to this course of action, which we expect to include snorting, pouting and -- if needed -- a total fucking fucky fuck-fit."

To show support, Fox News host Glenn Beck held his breath until he passed out and then fell on top of Congressman Eric Cantor, who had been lying in a fetal position in the corner near former Vice President Dick Cheney who had a paper bag on his head and fingers in both ears. Luckily, the scene was not witnessed by the newly bald headed trio of Sarah Palin, Michelle Malkin and Ann Coulter, who had shaved their heads earlier in the day before moving into a cave above the hills of Simi Valley, California to join the tribe of a mumu wearing Norm Coleman.

A calf was sacrificed, There were many furtuve reach-arounds given behind closed doors. Michael Steele was set on fire. The blood soaked into the ground as Senator John Boehner traced the sign of the dollar with the tip of his finger into the dark earth.

"The road is clear", said Newt Gingrich.

And then there was only the sky and the smoke and the figure of Rush Limbaugh.