When he introduced articles of impeachment against President George W. Bush last night on the floor of House of Representatives, Dennis Kucinich may have been many things -- brave, idealistic, and thorough -- but he was also wicked boring.
I'm talking to you, D-Man. Yes, you pointed out all the ways that the Bush administration has trampled on the constitution but where's the sizzle, Dennis? Where's the catch phrase? (Suggestion: "Impeach THIS!") Where were the Abu Ghraib Dancers? Couldn't you at least get your wife on camera in the background pretending to listen to you while sitting next to a shirtless Matthew McConaughey? (And really -- is there any other kind of Matthew McConaughey?)
Nope. We get five hours of Dennis Kucinich on C-SPAN turning pages and drinking water late at night. It was the dullest representation of America's slow slide in fascism since that Upton Sinclair Lewis book that the hip teacher who listened to the Beatles and smelled like stale weed tried to make us read in high school.
Contrast that to another speech the same day that acted like Nerd Viagra -- Steve Job's announcement of the new 3G iPhone. Across the Geekasphere, sites like Twitter and TechCrunch and Engadget blew their fuses as each new feature was announced. That's what you needed, Dennis. Here's my advice.
Have Steve Jobs introduce iPeachment 08.
You and Jobs have stuff in common. Like you, Jobs is on some suspicious vegan diet and on stage yesterday he looked thinner than the new iPhone. Unlike you, Jobs knows how to work a crowd. Visuals. Pacing. It's marketing, Dennis.
You had thirty-five articles of impeachment. Way too many. Reduce it to ten impeachable offenses and make one of them compatibility with iTunes. Give each article a colorful icon.
Reduce the cost of iPeachement 08. Previously, Bush would have been kicked out of office for his numerous offenses against the nation. Now, we'll make him go back on Deal Or No Deal. No, wait -- that's an NBC show so it's not on iTunes. We need a Disney show. Maybe put him on Wife Swap and make him shack up with Michelle Obama for a week. There will be fist bumping a'plenty after a bleary eyed W calls Michelle "Condi" over the breakfast table!
And be sure to have Jobs point out that just like the unconstitutional wiretapping of Americans, iPeachment 08 is also brought to you in partnership with AT&T.