01/16/2012 10:26 am ET Updated Mar 17, 2012

Golden Globes Rundown: Come and Get It, Woody

• Ricky Gervais kicks things off, poking fun at host network NBC, reading the rules he'll be ignoring, and sharing too much information about his penis.
• Ricky insults Helen Mirren. (Is that legal? Can you do that as a British citizen?)
• Johnny Depp inspects Ricky's beer. (Verdict: It's real.)
• Tina Fey photobombs a shot of Amy Poehler during the announcement of the comedy actress nominees.
• Rob Lowe and Julianne Moore experience some minor technical difficulties, making us appreciate the wonder of live TV.
• Kate Winslet accepts the award for Best Actress in a TV Movie/Mini-Series, and despite my insistence, she does not stop to kiss Leo on her way up to the stage.
• Jeremy Irons gets frisky with the HFPA president.
• I spy Cougar Town star Busy Philipps sitting next to Michelle Williams! This is probably the closest anyone from Cougar Town will get to winning a Golden Globe. (Sadly.)
• Kelsey Grammer wins the Globe for Best Actor in a TV Drama. He shows his enthusiasm in his speech by saying things like, "This is very nice," and "I'm very pleased about this."
• Adam Levine and Jimmy Fallon present the music categories. Jimmy sings a snippet of Maroon Five's "Moves Like Jagger," and then he actually attempts to move like Jagger.
• Madonna inexplicably wins the award for Best Original Song, which is only funny because Elton John had said on the red carpet that she had absolutely no chance of winning.
• Brad presents his friend George Clooney's movie The Ides of March, which is nominated for Best Motion Picture Drama.
• Seth Rogen and Kate Beckinsale present the nominees for Best Comedy Actress. Cue boner joke. (Also, kudos to Seth for poking fun at the fact that My Week with Marilyn is nominated as a "Comedy.")
• George Clooney uses Brad Pitt's cane to present Best Picture nominee Moneyball. (How adorable is it that bffs George and Brad presented each other's movies?)
• Something wins Best Animated Film, but I'm not paying attention because I'm too busy staring at Channing Tatum.
• Nicole Kidman utters the phrase, "Come and get it, Woody."
• Married couple Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy perform a duet that's surprisingly cute. (Or sickening, depending on your point of view.)
• Ricky scampers across the back of the stage after Madonna implies that she's going to try to kiss him.
• Dustin Hoffman thanks his wife and his agent, without whom he would not be here... presenting the nominees for Best TV Drama Actress.
• Tina Fey and Jane Lynch high-five after their excellent delivery of a Thomas Jane penis joke during their presentation of the Comedy Actor nominees.
• Octavia Spencer wins Best Supporting Actress. Everyone stands up; people are crying all over the place; Mary J. Blige is playing. It's a beautiful moment.
• Sidney Poitier takes the stage. Everyone within a three-mile radius stands and applauds.
• Morgan Freeman montage: Morgan Freeman as God, Morgan Freeman as the president of the United States, Morgan Freeman as Nelson Mandela, Morgan Freeman narrating some penguins, etc...
• Angelina pronounces The Artist director Michel Hazanavicius' name correctly (or at least with great confidence).
• Sofia Vergara and Steve Levitan give a bilingual acceptance speech for the Best Comedy Series award. It's a fun bit that must have taken some serious preparation. Can anyone blame them for being so confident?
• Jean Dujardin and his expressive eyebrows charm us out of our seats with his acceptance speech.
• Everyone is happy and smiling, having a great time, until they show a shot of an albino vampire, which turns out to be Tilda Swinton.
• Ricky makes a joke about Colin Firth punching blind kittens.
• Meryl Streep accepts the Golden Globe for Best Drama Actress while wearing the same dress Temple Grandin wore to the Globes last year. The entire audience tries desperately to pass her glasses to her up on stage.
• The orchestra dares to try to play Meryl off the stage during her acceptance speech. I don't care how long she talks, you don't cut off Meryl Streep.
The Artist wins Best Comedy/Musical, and I'm sure their acceptance speech is very moving, but I'm too distracted by the adorable canine costar that has joined them on stage.
• George Clooney wins Best Actor. His acceptance speech involves gushing about Brad Pitt, being generally charming, and thanking Michael Fassbender for all his full-frontal nudity.
The Descendants wins Best Motion Picture Drama, and the show ends almost on time!