10/01/2013 05:06 pm ET Updated Jan 23, 2014

23 Reasons Why I Wish the Sweet Lord Would Make This Stop

Greetings, Internet! A few months back I wrote an article about how social media can be a fascinating and sometimes irritating window into narcissism and self obsession. I attempted to take a somewhat nuanced and balanced approach, and write about the topic in an articulate and thought-out manner. The same cannot be said for the following article. Here we go!

I fucking hate Buzzfeed. I hate Buzzfeed in this primal way that I can barely even express in words, but I am burdened by the lingering acrid taste in my mouth left by the boiling stew of ungovernable rage that stirs up within me every time I see one of their lists posted in my Facebook feed. I pray that one day a great virtual conflagration sweeps the site away in its divinely effulgent e-blaze, leaving nothing but a smoldering mass of digital ash where Buzzfeed once iExisted. And until that happens, I wish spotty and nonfunctional Internet upon everybody who shares their articles on social media. But for now, just to do battle on Buzzfeed's own terms, here is a brief list of the three things I hate most about this God forsaken site:

1. That fucking font.

For those of you who are curious, I consulted a design expert friend who informed me that the annoying oversized font they use for their lists is called Proxima Nova. If you are unfamiliar with said font, I am not going to link you to Buzzfeed because that would be providing them with the hits they SO DESPERATELY WANT and I refuse to give them that victory. But just know that every article is written in this format:

Sentence written in annoyingly large Proxima Nova font
*picture related to that sentence*
Sentence written in annoyingly large Proxima Nova font
*picture related to that sentence*
Etc. Etc.

Why does this get to me? Who knows! Maybe because I have the disposition of a cantankerous 89-year-old Jewish man trapped in the body of a much younger cantankerous Jewish man. But it really gets my goat.

2. The Lists That Don't Need to Be Lists Because They Can Be Boiled Down to One List Item.

Here I am referring to lists like "15 Signs You Did A Musical In High School," or "21 Sure Signs You're A College Senior." These lists need not exist! The only sign you need to determine if you are a senior in college is that you are enrolled in a college, and that you are, in fact, in your senior year at said college. Likewise, do you know what the single best sign that you did a musical in high school would be? THAT YOU ACTUALLY DID A MUSICAL IN HIGH SCHOOL! Pardon me for shouting, but I feel like I'm losing my mind here.

3. The Click Bait '90s Themed Lists That Pander To Our Overly Developed Sense of Nostalgia.

This is the real kicker for me. Look, we all know we're obsessed with our own childhoods. I mean, for Christ's sake, I spent an hour yesterday watching live performances of MC Hammer (tangent: say what you will about his music, but MC Hammer was one hell of a performer. They don't make 'em like that anymore). But I don't like being force-fed nostalgia by a contrived website. It feels all too calculated and manipulative. Do I want to click on lists like "16 Signs Saved By The Bell's Bayside High Was A Training Ground for a Top Secret Military Organization"? Absolutely! It takes a lot of self-control not to click! But for the sake of humanity, I refuse. I refuse because I don't want my childhood and my memories to be reduced to a list written by a total stranger and shared on Facebook by somebody I haven't seen in a decade. I'm not trying to be a difficult, Rage Against The Machine-esque, "Don't Tell Me What To Think, Maaaan" kind of dude here. I just think it makes our fond memories seem like they were all formed from the same cookie cutter mold, and it feels like a real bummer to me.

So leave Saved By The Bell alone, Buzzfeed. Leave En Vogue and TLC alone. Leave Nick at Night and Slap Bracelets and Pogs alone. And most importantly, leave me alone.

Bah Humbug.