06/03/2009 05:12 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

How To Live On $0 A Day: Identifying Job Opportunities And Growth Markets In The U.S.


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Crime offers some of the best job opportunities in the United States at this point in history. The more publicity your illegal activity attracts, the higher your earning potential. Try to commit a crime that has some news value (anything with a celebrity or public figure involved usually works well). Even a misdemeanor can be highly profitable if you choose your crime wisely. Best case scenario; with a little media exposure, you'll have a book deal and reality show in no time. Worst case scenario; you'll have free room and board for six months to life.


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If you have absolutely no skills or experience at anything useful and no desire to learn, you might want to consider working for the GOP. They sorely need strategists, front men/women, speechwriters, speech makers, senators, congresspeople and presidential material. They're willing to consider anyone. Salaries are high and perks are lavish, including high visibility, designer wardrobes, cosmetic enhancement, free private jet flights and luxury travel to promote peace in the Middle East.


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Even in a recession, God-loving people would rather spend money on ridiculously expensive toast, rocks, vegetables, logs, etc with images of Jesus and the blessed virgin on them than feed and clothe their families. Look for these images in everyday items you've got lying around. If you have problems finding them, try a mild hallucinogenic. If you find a holy image on an object you can't sell, like a watermark on your ceiling, an oil stain in your driveway, or a crack in the bridge you sleep under, you might want to consider selling healing tours and pilgrimages. On the downside, pilgrimages and tours won't be the source of a huge windfall or pay off your entire Citicard bill. On the upside, they provide a steady income which is beneficial for those with poor financial planning skills. Selling tours also presents lucrative merchandising opportunities.


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Careers in debt collection and repossession are booming . A smart career option anywhere in the continental US, the Southern states boast the highest salaries in the country. The only drawback is you'll have to put up with being shot at. Small price to pay for a decent wage.

Non-profits can be particularly profitable in places like Northern California where wealth, hedonism and guilt still run rampant. It's relatively easy to start a non-profit and assign yourself a hefty salary (much easier than getting unemployment or health insurance). All you need is a mission statement and you're on the way to getting grants and donors. Take special care in crafting a statement that promises to serve yourself without sounding self serving. For example: in my case, instead of stating that my mission is to eat, I put it in a context that makes me the victim of some social crime. Thus, the mission becomes "To feed and clothe women who used to get jobs because they were cute, but now they're not cute any more". Or say your mission is to go buy a villa in Hawaii: your mission statement would be "to provide economic stimulus and cultural exchange with indigenous Americans in remote regions." Congratulations on your new career and avocation!


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Bankruptcy law is probably the most recession proof career out there. The way the current laws have it, you can't declare bankruptcy without paying a lawyer $5,000 to file for you. In fact, it may be one of the few industries that won't need a bailout in the future. The only catch is, when the economy picks up in a decade or two, you'll probably have to find another career. But by then, you'll have made enough money to retire comfortably (as long as you don't invest it).