11/05/2012 08:47 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Getting a Puppy Is Blissing Me the F*ck Out!

Hey, world! Guess what? I'm getting a puppy! That's right. A big-eyed, floppy-eared, shit-eating puppy. I'm gonna become the most irritating puppy owner you've ever met and I can't wait.

I've taken quizzes. Yes, hundreds of online quizzes and they all tell me I need a "spunky" puppy. And you know what I say to that? Fuck yeah! I love spunk! I'll even name the dog "Spunk." I've already legally changed my own name to "Spunk" 'cause that's how committed I am to this rock star shit-kickin' puppy.


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There will be photos. Thousands upon thousands of nobody-else-can-tell-the-difference-between-these photos. And outfits. Oh god, the outfits! Do you know they have a little outfit that has a tiny toy mouse attached to it so it looks like the mouse is riding the puppy? Well, they do. And I bought 10 of them! Because we have fucking spunk!

I'm gonna take my puppy to the dog run and let him hump the living hell out of everything: your dog, your leg, your kid, everything! And as the horror disfigures your face I'm gonna sit back, laugh, and put out a cigarette on my own arm 'cause we're a spunky pair of badasses and there's a new top dog in town.

At night I'm gonna spoon with my puppy. I'm gonna whisper secrets into those over-sized ears that nobody else knows about including the weekend Sandra and I "experimented" at summer camp (ahhh, Sandra...).

I'm gonna buy a little stroller and push that adorable puppy ass around and tell people I gave birth to this angelic creature because puppies love you no matter what and they don't talk back to you or tell you to stop day-drinking even though you've assured your sponsor that you're just being "French."

This puppy is gonna be my goddamned world and yours too. He's gonna explode like a supernova and suck us all into his black hole of oh-my-god-how-can-anything-be-THIS-cute?!?! We're gonna float through puppy dog space where stars are squeaky toys and comets are giggles and the only sound is the haunting memory of the perfect puppy dog bark, riding on celestial wings of love.