06/20/2013 04:00 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

50 Shades of a Masturbating Fetus

This Week's Poll from the Lester & Charlie Institute of Forward Thinking!

It took a while, but it seems that conservatives have finally found and issue that will get them to stop saying really, really stupid things about rape!

Having not paid attention in 2012 -- when both Indiana's Richard Mourdock and Missouri's Todd Akin exploded their political campaigns with talk of "legitimate rape" and how carrying a rapist's baby can be "a gift from God" -- this week, Arizona Rep. Trent Franks carried the rape torch and made the less-than-scientific claim that "the incidents of rape resulting in pregnancy are very low." BOOM!

"These kinds of comment only come from a moron," said Massachusetts Senate candidate Gabriel Gomez -- and she's the Republican candidate! It doesn't happen too often, but here we agree with a Republican: Franks is a moron. But that doesn't explain why there seem to be so many like him. And why they never seem to learn.

"If public humiliation is not a sufficient deterrent," said former deputy executive director of the House GOP's campaign arm Brock McCleary, addressing the unending parade of conservatives who get flogged in the press for saying stupid things, "what can the party possibly do to prevent it?"

May we humbly suggest that they start by not nominating morons for public office? As that seems less than likely, we were all geared up and getting ready for the next insane thing some conservative would say about rape -- perhaps the Immaculate Conception was the first divinely inspired one? -- when all of a sudden it turns out that there really IS something that can get Republicans to stop talking about rape. Get them talking about masturbation!

We know what you're thinking: The GOP hates masturbation. Not true! And now we can say it's not only because, as we've shown before, Red States are proven to be the largest consumers of porn. It turns out that masturbation is OK when babies do it!

Texas Republican Rep. Michael Burgess announced this week that he had solid proof that the so-called "Pain-Capable Infant Protection Act" -- the act passed by the House this week that bans any abortions after 20 weeks of gestation -- didn't go far enough with its dubious claim that abortion should be banned because fetuses over 20 weeks can feel pain. His proof? "Watch a sonogram of a 15-week baby," he said. "If they're a male baby, they may have their hand between their legs. If they feel pleasure, why is it so hard to believe that they could feel pain?"

Wow. Even Freud might be surprised to find out that fetuses are whacking off in the womb. Will this be the new direction of the anti-abortion movement? Look at how much fun your fetus is having! How can you deny him a lifetime of the same?

Hm. Surely those conservatives will have something to say to all those monkey-spankin' babies after they're born. "It's OK in the womb, but here in the real world we save it for marriage." That is, assuming that conservatives think much about anything not in utero.

Well, since we've already established that conservatives are the biggest consumers of porn in America, we strongly suspect these randy, masturbating fetuses are destined to come out of the womb as full-fledged Republicans! So now we come to the all-important question:

What are they fantasizing about? What do YOU think?

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