11/15/2012 01:51 pm ET Updated Jan 15, 2013

Obama Gave Me Gifts -- It's True!

Okay, Romney is taking a lot of flak right now for saying that Obama won because he gave gifts to people including African-Americans, Hispanics, women, and young people.

But they're not the only ones who enjoyed Obama's generosity.

You think the billion dollars they spent on the campaign just went for voter turnout and ads? No way. Obama clearly hired an army of personal shoppers who knew -- or thought they knew -- what voters like me wanted.

I'm Jewish, and I got a tin of rugelach, a dozen bagels, and a huge slab of Zabar's smoked salmon.

I'm also gay, and my gift box included condoms, lube, and a leather vest. I gave the vest away because it wasn't my thing, but I appreciated the sentiment.

And because I'm a dog owner, I got a year's supply of our pup's favorite kibble.

Let's face it, Romney's problem wasn't that he couldn't communicate, or that he was robotic, or that he flip-flopped.

He's just cheap.