I feel like it was just yesterday that I was complaining about how ABC no longer shows gratuitous shirtless scenes of Sean making out and now they have him covered in awful sweaters -- that must be the losing end of a bet. You'd think if the wardrobe department was going full-on Canadian stereotype, they'd make him wear a Maple Leaf jersey or a Robin Sparkles graffiti coat instead of that monstrosity. I guess that's what real mountain men who love the outdoors as much as Sean does wear. Who cares that it's zero degrees outside. Bear Grylls has nothing on Sean. This is Bachelor vs. Wild and these ladies will stop at nothing to conquer nature.
The Glacier Date
For Catherine's first one-on-one date, Sean picks her up in a snow bus. A snow bus that he was driving. Call me crazy, but I found this extremely attractive. So did Cathy. She didn't care that he made her put on a red onesie so they could go play on a glacier during a blizzard. It made no difference that small beads of jagged ice kept pelting her raw face. She would stop at nothing to make snow angels and do front flips on the rock hard earth. Succumbing to wind burn is for quitters! Catherine passes the blizzard test and is rewarded with dinner in a literal ice castle. She'll never feel her fingers again, but she just might find love. Sean chisels the rose out of a block of ice and asks her to accept. Through chattering teeth, she does.
Polar Bear Plunge
After making seven of the bachelorettes canoe across Lake Louise, Sean encourages them to strip down to their string bikinis and jump into the frigid cold lake so they can all be members of the Polar Bear Club. Come on! It will be fun! Princess Selma refuses to put her life at risk and generously reapplies a coat of Chapstick to her non-kissable lips. Lesley believes hypothermia is totally worth a rose and AshLee tries to organize her emotions to portray anything but sheer terror. Six of the seven go in. One of the six is rushed to the hospital. Any guesses?
A Case of Hypothermia
That's right! Tierra's turning several shades of blue! She's given a wheelchair, a cup of Starbucks, a quick once over with a Chi hair dryer, a burger from the grill and oxygen to be on the safe side. Sean visits her room, convinced that she should just stay put and rest. There's no need to attend a party when you're in grave danger of half your toes falling off. But Tierra will not miss out. She will come back from near death and wreak havoc on anyone in her path. She's a lone wolf in the wild and can not be tamed. [Cue wolf howl playback.]
Mountain and Tree Climbing
Sean promises Des a picnic, but first, she must prove her love, conquer her fears and convince him that he's worth repelling down a mountain. Or at least the sushi waiting on the picnic blanket is worth all of that. Des is hungry! She says the phrase, "it's steep" no less than 57 times. They pause twice for a quickie make-out session and I confuse her for Joey Potter the entire time. She would have totally rocked that canoe date on the creek. I'm just saying. After consuming a few California rolls, Des challenges Sean to a tree climbing contest. Sean digs this and later gives her a rose inside a random teepee wearing the ridiculous aforementioned sweater.
To read the entire recap, visit www.iHateGreenBeans.com.
"The Bachelor" returns to its regular timeslot next week: Mondays at 8 p.m. EST on ABC.